I don't care how old you are or how young you are or how sophisticated or how well of an upbringing you were brought up in farts are 100% funny all the fucking time. My 3 year old daughter cracks up every time I "toot" or she "toots" and my wife stares at us like we are neanderthals until she finally laughs because they are fucking funny. You can't help yourself. So when I see a ND coach talking about one of her players tweeting about getting cropdusted it makes me laugh. The world would be a lot better albeit smellier place if we just handled confrontations or squabbles with farts. I mean could you imagine back in the day Reagan and Gorbachev just ripping cheese bellies together? The Cold War would have been dead.
By the way where the hell was Brian Kelly? You can't have a video about ND coaches without the most famous and really the only important one on campus. He was probably out interviewing for the soon to be available Atlanta Falcons job.
Friday, May 02, 2014
I could see myself doing all of these except the stealing beer part. I'm not a big enough asshole I guess to fake a choking and grab some other dude's beer and chug it in front of them. Granted all bets are off if I see some douche wearing a Yankees hat at Turner Field.
True story I've only snuck into one game without paying in my life. I've gotten plenty of free tickets but actually getting into a packed game without a ticket is hard work. We all know I like to do the least amount of work. Remember C's get degrees kids and they still count as much as straight A's. Anyways I was up in Philly for my college roomie Tobin's wedding. Our flight out to Atlanta on that Sunday was delayed because of some bullshit fog or rain in the ATL. So the wife and I decided to take a shuttle over to Citizen Banks Park to watch the Phillies battle the DBacks. In Atlanta it's easy to get a baseball ticket. You just walk up to the ticket window and buy one. In Philly we found out it doesn't work the same way. They were completely sold out. No standing room tickets. No handicap tickets. Nothing. It was the game before the All-Star break so every inbred Philly fan was there. So I told the wife we had to get in we were just going to have to wing it somehow. Asked a few ushers and they put up the Heisman. The game had already started. Finally spotted a guy frazzled with his kids of course leaving the stadium. And much like the fake baby bottle story I asked if I could have his tickets stubs. He had a diaper or some shit to do so he didn't care. Took the stubs up to the usher and told him we had to run out of the stadium to get our drunk friend a cab or some shit and the usher just let us in. We wound up staying for the whole game and saw the DBacks beat the Phillies. It was great.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:51 AM
Don't even act like you refrained from laughing. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a human being. And watching assholes in their power boat lose their shit to a wave to the remix of "Turn Down For What" is internet gold.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 7:30 AM
Those crab legs look mighty tasty! Jack's Foodland Supermarket in some town in Alabama I dare not care to even look up advertised these "Jameis Winston King Crab Legs" as a joke but it caught fire on social media yesterday. Larry Smith, the owner, says he only made one label (wink wink) and posted it on their Facebook store page and it soon took off. Smith is an Alabama fan and as you probably know Winston is an Alabama native and was considered a recruiting steal for FSU when they took him from the grasps of Nick Saban and Bama two years ago. Jack's Foodland has now been receiving all kinds of media attention since the crab legs went viral and why not? This shit is funny.
Speaking of going viral our FREE SEAFOOD UNIVERSITY Shirt has been a hot item since it's debut on Wednesday. This shirt is guaranteed to get people talking and girls are drawn in to it like a moth to a flame. In other words guys or gals if you are looking for the perfect shirt for the summer going into the fall this is it.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:25 AM