50 Cent must have taken 9 bullets to his left shoulder before delivering this stinker of a first pitch. I'm right handed and I'm 100% certain I could throw left handed better than 50. Clearly not an athlete 50 should stick with rapping and/or soccer because the use of his arm is clearly not needed or wanted.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
We are near the 1/3 season mark and Baltimore Orioles slugger/"Biogenisis survivor" Nelson Cruz is the MLB leader with 16 HRs. Some would describe Cruz as passionate, beastly, steady, machine, etc. His teammate Chris Davis who led the Majors last season in HR and RBIs however has a different one word description: flamboyant. I don't think anyone saw that coming. Hopefully "Cruzzzzzz" can be as flamboyant as Brady Anderson was back in the mid-to-late 90's and lead the Orioles back to the playoffs. You go boy!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 7:42 AM
Now that is NATITUDE! Smell it! Smell it! I said fucking SMELL IT!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 6:51 AM
Thursday, May 22, 2014
I can see Norm McDonald's argument. You should need actual legs to be able to race. It's only fair. No wonder the guy murdered his girlfriend. He's been living a lie his whole life thinking he had real legs.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 11:44 AM
Monday, May 19, 2014
He's got the city believing...he's going to wreck this league! Truer words have never been spoken.
Johnny Manziel is now bigger than the city of Cleveland. Johnny Football is going to be running around Cleveland giving girls epic panty slushies. It's inevitable.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:12 AM
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:20 AM
Tailback U is getting another specimen of an athlete this fall. Incoming freshman Nick Chubb out of Cedartown High School was just gradually warming up for his track meet last week by doing some stretching and also had the chance to display his 40 inch vertical jump while loosing up his hammys. And boy did he ever! Holy shit this Chubb manchild makes Carl Lewis look like a JV athlete.
Before the comparisons already started somebody had the bright idea to put a side by side picture of current high school athlete Chubb next to the great Herschel Walker when he was in Athens. You tell me who looks more like a super hero?
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:25 AM
Friday, May 09, 2014
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 8:36 AM
Thursday, May 08, 2014
Oh those crazy New York paps asking their silly questions. Asking future NFL bust Jadeveon Clowney "What's the hardest class in college?" is on par with asking a blind person if it was "Love at first sight?" But I'm not going to lie. I love Clowney's response. Just laughing out loud is so perfect. Football players from conferences like the SEC don't go to class. It's beyond ridiculous to even think they do. It's a whole different ball game in the south. It would be a hell of an accomplishment if they could just name their position coach much less actually attend some classes.
Keep being you Jadeveon. He probably had the same response when scouts asked him if he put any effort into his junior season.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 10:25 AM
It's about fucking time right? The NFL Draft is finally here. I feel like it's been shoved down our throats by ESPN more aggressively than a Peter North cuckold. This is the final mock we are doing...for 2014.
1. Texans - Jadeveon Clowney
2. Rams - Greg Robinson
3. Jaguars - Johnny Manziel
4. Browns - Blake Bortles
5. Raiders - Sammy Watkins
6. Falcons - Jake Matthews
7. Buccaneers - Khalil Mack
8. Vikings - Aaron Donald
9. Bills - Zach Martin
10. Lions - Darqueze Denard
11. Titans - Mike Evans
12. Giants - Taylor Lewan
13. Rams - Odell Beckham
14. Bears - Ha Ha Clinton-Dix
15. Steelers - Justin Gilbert
16. Cowboys - Timmy Jernigan
17. Ravens - Eric Ebron
18. Jets - Marqise Lee
19. Dolphins - Cyrus Kouandjio
20. Cardinals - Derek Carr
21. Packers - Calvin Pryor
22. Eagles - Anthony Barr
23. Chiefs - Brandin Cooks
24. Bengals - Kyle Fuller
25. Chargers - Louis Nix
26. Browns - Xavier Su'a Filo
27. Saints - C. J. Mosley
28. Panthers - Morgan Moses
29. Patriots - Jace Amaro
30. 49ers - Jason Verrett
31. Broncos - Dee Ford
32. Seahawks - Joel Bitonio
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:05 AM
Wednesday, May 07, 2014
I seriously feel like SportsCenter would be one million times better if they just made all their news stories have Taiwanese animation. I don't need a reporter on site unless she is in lingerie. I need animation. The fucking gigantic Hurricanes crab got me in the end and I almost feel bad for laughing at it. I mean it's not even funny it's just so fucking stupid you have to laugh. It's almost as stupid as a Heisman Trophy winning QB stealing crab legs from Publix and pretty much getting away with it.
Speaking of stupid if you haven't ordered one of these Free Seafood University shirts you might as well ride the short bus because your summer is going to suck. They ship out this week and they're hotter than Jameis Winston's crab infested man nuggets.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 2:29 PM
Mr. Unreliable eh?
Kevin Durant delivered a highly emotional and heartfelt speech yesterday thanking his mother, friends, and teammates after receiving his first MVP trophy. The best part of the speech was it was completely honest and not scripted. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. Fuck I started cutting onions only 45 seconds into it. Bravo to Durant. We have a tendency and I'm guilty of this a lot for bashing players who don't put their emotions on their sleeve and only play for the money. Durant is one of the good guys. He's a player everybody can root for. One in which I would run through a wall for. I could only imagine being his teammate. This speech sealed his bronze statue in Oklahoma City. Durant the Legend.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 8:26 AM
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
Full fight video below. I've been laughing at these remix videos since they exploded on the internet yesterday. Yes I've got a problem. But at least I don't have a shovel imprint in my head. Although the girl with the shovel scar will probably make millions off this before she gets a video deal with Vivid.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 10:08 AM
Every year we get NFL GMs, scouts, and draft experts over thinking the draft process and taking the shiniest athlete instead of the best overall player. Most years it's a QB like Blaine Gabbert or Jamarcus Russell. Some years it's a defensive player who blows up in the combine like Mike Mamula.
This year we got some great BOOM or BUST picks in Jadeveon Clowney and Johnny Manziel. Both could turn the NFL upside down and both could be colossal flops for all we know. But now we need to look at 5 guys who will bring the most value to where they will likely be picked and in a world of unknowns are the "safest" picks of the 2014 NFL Draft. The NFL Draft is a crap shoot but it's always safe to lay down on the 6's and 8's when all else fails. Here are some picks who should pan out.
1) Khalil Mack, outside linebacker, Buffalo
I'm sure I will get some heat for saying this but Mack is a better overall player and athlete than Clowney. Watch the film. Mack is just as fast, explosive, and unlike Clowney he doesn't take plays off. Mack is the one guy on film who jumps out for his consistent play. He will be an All-Pro and he carries a chip on his shoulder. If I had the #1 pick I would take Mack without hesitation.
2) Jake Matthews, offensive tackle, Texas A&M
Drafting a Matthews is like drafting a Manning. His bloodlines flow with future success in the NFL. On top of that he's the best overall left tackle in this draft who can pass protect and open up huge holes for the running game. His athleticism reminds me a lot of Tony Boselli. He's a future All-Pro and is much better than the #1 and #2 overall players taken in last year's draft.
3) Zach Martin, offensive guard/tackle, Notre Dame
Martin was by far the best overall player at the Senior Bowl. A 4-year starter at ND who didn't give up a sack his senior season the only knock on Martin is his measure ables. He's considered a tad short (6'4) for offensive tackle and his arm length is a bit short too. But he makes up for it by being a tenacious blocker and leader. Whether given the chance on the outside or interior of a line remains to be seen but it is a safe bet Martin will dominate at those positions.
4) Darqueze Denard, cornerback, Michigan State
In my mind Denard is the best overall corner in this draft and it looks like he might not get drafted in the 1st round according to some mocks. He's not tall (6'0) and he is not extremely fast but his overall knowledge of the game and defense is through the roof. Denard is also a tenacious, get in your face competitor who wants to be the best and thinks he is the best. He reminds me a lot of Richard Sherman.
5) Aaron Donald, defensive tackle, Pittsburgh
Just a shade under 300 pounds Donald was often double and sometimes triple-teamed in college and still made a huge impact at a position which is usually just used for run stopping. Donald if you watch the film is a high motor guy who reminds me a lot of Geno Atkins when he was coming out of Georgia. He's tenacious, has a great work ethic from all accounts, and will disrupt NFL offenses for years to come.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 8:22 AM
Monday, May 05, 2014
So, this guy from the Dega infield last night...of course he plays tight end at Alabama http://t.co/eFNtYDAFc8 pic.twitter.com/s6XPzwspLNRemember all of those Alabama stereotypes in your head before you saw this post of Alabama Tight End Michael Nyeswander? Well now you feel a little less guilty don't you?
— Bunkie Perkins (@BunkiePerkins) May 4, 2014
We got the Alabama tank top officially licensed by Nike.
We got the classic jorts.
We got the tube socks with work boots.
We got the classic old school Miller Lite can.
And to top it all off we got the Bama meathead crushing said Miller Lite on head in an epic drunk fueled steroid/deer antler spray rage.
All that is missing is a scantily clothed cousin of Neyeswander eyeing him up and this would be the perfect Bama stereotype encapsulated in two pictures.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 11:52 AM
Friday, May 02, 2014
I don't care how old you are or how young you are or how sophisticated or how well of an upbringing you were brought up in farts are 100% funny all the fucking time. My 3 year old daughter cracks up every time I "toot" or she "toots" and my wife stares at us like we are neanderthals until she finally laughs because they are fucking funny. You can't help yourself. So when I see a ND coach talking about one of her players tweeting about getting cropdusted it makes me laugh. The world would be a lot better albeit smellier place if we just handled confrontations or squabbles with farts. I mean could you imagine back in the day Reagan and Gorbachev just ripping cheese bellies together? The Cold War would have been dead.
By the way where the hell was Brian Kelly? You can't have a video about ND coaches without the most famous and really the only important one on campus. He was probably out interviewing for the soon to be available Atlanta Falcons job.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:37 AM
I could see myself doing all of these except the stealing beer part. I'm not a big enough asshole I guess to fake a choking and grab some other dude's beer and chug it in front of them. Granted all bets are off if I see some douche wearing a Yankees hat at Turner Field.
True story I've only snuck into one game without paying in my life. I've gotten plenty of free tickets but actually getting into a packed game without a ticket is hard work. We all know I like to do the least amount of work. Remember C's get degrees kids and they still count as much as straight A's. Anyways I was up in Philly for my college roomie Tobin's wedding. Our flight out to Atlanta on that Sunday was delayed because of some bullshit fog or rain in the ATL. So the wife and I decided to take a shuttle over to Citizen Banks Park to watch the Phillies battle the DBacks. In Atlanta it's easy to get a baseball ticket. You just walk up to the ticket window and buy one. In Philly we found out it doesn't work the same way. They were completely sold out. No standing room tickets. No handicap tickets. Nothing. It was the game before the All-Star break so every inbred Philly fan was there. So I told the wife we had to get in we were just going to have to wing it somehow. Asked a few ushers and they put up the Heisman. The game had already started. Finally spotted a guy frazzled with his kids of course leaving the stadium. And much like the fake baby bottle story I asked if I could have his tickets stubs. He had a diaper or some shit to do so he didn't care. Took the stubs up to the usher and told him we had to run out of the stadium to get our drunk friend a cab or some shit and the usher just let us in. We wound up staying for the whole game and saw the DBacks beat the Phillies. It was great.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:51 AM
Don't even act like you refrained from laughing. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a human being. And watching assholes in their power boat lose their shit to a wave to the remix of "Turn Down For What" is internet gold.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 7:30 AM
Those crab legs look mighty tasty! Jack's Foodland Supermarket in some town in Alabama I dare not care to even look up advertised these "Jameis Winston King Crab Legs" as a joke but it caught fire on social media yesterday. Larry Smith, the owner, says he only made one label (wink wink) and posted it on their Facebook store page and it soon took off. Smith is an Alabama fan and as you probably know Winston is an Alabama native and was considered a recruiting steal for FSU when they took him from the grasps of Nick Saban and Bama two years ago. Jack's Foodland has now been receiving all kinds of media attention since the crab legs went viral and why not? This shit is funny.
Speaking of going viral our FREE SEAFOOD UNIVERSITY Shirt has been a hot item since it's debut on Wednesday. This shirt is guaranteed to get people talking and girls are drawn in to it like a moth to a flame. In other words guys or gals if you are looking for the perfect shirt for the summer going into the fall this is it.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:25 AM