Real fucking funny video game nerds.
Herschel Walker in an Auburn uniform.
Desmond asshat Howard in a Notre Dame uniform.
I consider myself to be a rationale, sensible fan with no big bouts of rage or violence when it comes to sports but all I saw was blood in my eyes when they showed Desmond sporting the Blue and Gold. Are you fucking kidding me?
Whoever decided to give this the go ahead must work for Curt Schilling because it's about the dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard of.
"Yeah haha wouldn't it be great to have Herschel playing on Auburn and Bo Jackson playing on Georgia?" I can pretty much guarantee no true college football fanatic would think it's either a great idea or even worth mentioning it without receiving a black eye.
Thank god almighty they didn't show Tim Brown wearing a Trojans uniform or I would have gone Columbine on the whole EA Sports "creative" team if you know what I mean. Sorry that is being a little harsh. I meant to say I would gouge out their nerdy little eyes and skull fuck the shit out of them. Ah. Much better. Moving on now. Let's just pretend this conversation never happened.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
You got to feel for the reigning NL MVP (not a misprint, he was the winner, not Braun) in just Matt Kemp's second game back from the disabled list he re-aggravated the same hamstring rounding the bases last night and went ballistic on a poor bat. I can't blame him. Lingering injuries like hamstrings are the worst. One time I got a paper cut and it took me a good 3-4 days before I could start typing like I wanted to before. And like Kemp I broke some lumber because of the frustration of having to type with my elbows. Granted the lumber was a thin #2 pencil but those things don't break as easily as one would think. It took me at least two karate chops and a couple of tears to break through the yellow ink that makes those damn pencils so hard to shatter. It's tough for athletes like myself and Kemp to sit on the sidelines for any period of time. Two peas in a pod you could say.
Support* us both while we recover with this great "The Bison" t-shirt available exclusively at SportsCrack.com...
* = beer money
Video via The Big Lead
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:31 AM
As you know I make fun of USC for a lot of things because A)they're Notre Dame's biggest rival and B)OJ Simpson was a Trojan and C)they can't sell out home games and D)my sister is currently an undergrad there but this new story that just "exploded all over our faces" about the Coliseum being the setting for a porno I can not. Because seriously who doesn't enjoy porn?
The Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, home of the USC Trojans, was the setting for a porno movie in 2001. The publicly-owned stadium was used to film “The Gangbang Girl #32.” Shooting took place on one night. Scenes were filmed in a locker room, the Trojans’ tunnel and on the field.
“I was just in awe that we were at the Coliseum,” said a star of the film, who goes by the name Mr. Marcus. “I’ve made movies for about 20 years and I’ve done a lot of things, but that one really stands out.… I mean, who gets to have sex on the Coliseum floor?”
It’s not clear how the company, Anabalic Video, gained access to the stadium and had the lights turned on, though the stadium’s former general manager left the post in 2011 when he was indicted for receiving kickbacks in an unrelated corruption case.
I consider myself a porn expert and I thought they finished up the whole "The Gangbang Girl" series at #30. I had no idea they went up to Marcus Allen territory with old #32 on the same field Marcus tore up the Bruins back in the day. To think that Mr. Marcus was plowing some poor broad at the 50 while the other Marcus Allen was penetrating the defense on the same surface is not disturbing. It's fucking awesome.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 8:03 AM
Not a good start for Nike with the exclusive contract to the NFL. You expect some half ass company like SportsCrack to have some grammar mistakes in it because the owner is a drunk with a big heart (big because it's over bloated with whiskey) but you don't expect a huge multinational corporation like Nike to fuck up the spelling of the NFL's biggest star. Aaron "Rodgers" threw for 45 touchdowns and only 6 interceptions last year after winning the Super Bowl the year before. Aaron "Rogers" is some black dude in a Nike ad who just cost a couple of guys at the very least their job.
Via HotClicks via RantSports
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:46 AM
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 7:13 AM
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A couple of days ago Detroit Tigers manager Jim "Smoky" Leyland went off on the home umpire for missing a called third strike but not directly at the umpire. Instead he implied the media should start pointing out when the umpires fuck up. Basically Leyland wanted everyone to know the umpires suck balls this year without getting fined for it by suggesting the media do a better job of calling them out. Confusing? Yeah it kind of is but Leyland got his wish last night when White Sox announcer Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson went ape shit after Jose Quintana was ejected for throwing behind the Rays Ben Zobrist. Yes you can put it on the board Hawk. The umpire is as bad as your announcing chops.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:17 PM
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sergeant Dave Sims' family had no idea he would be "home" yesterday and to see it all play out live while watching the Braves lose yet another game made Memorial Day a lot more enjoyable. This is the kind of stuff that gets me all choked up. Yep, almost as choked up as when I heard Jenna Jameson got a DUI over the weekend. It just shocks you to the core you know?
I'm a day late but I wanted to say thanks to all the brave men and females who have served or are currently serving our great country. You guys are the true heroes!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:15 AM
I never realized Matt Damon could be such a dick.
Yes I realize I haven't blogged in 5 days and posting this video is another way of taking it easy and not really wanting to work hard after a long 4 day weekend but I have the collective strength of a 2-year-old trying to open a jar of mayonnaise after baking in the sun all day Saturday at the lake. I basically look and feel like lobster boy. The slightest touch of wind sends shivers down my spine like I just made eye contact with a naked rabid zombie in Miami. I'm sorry if the blogging skills aren't exactly up to par today but honestly when have they ever been?
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:54 AM
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Chicago Cubs outfielder Tony Campana is one of those classic all hustle guys. Limited talent and skills but gives it his all and if you see this slide you can see why he is up with Cubs organization. He's basically the perfect Cubs player. Not a whole lot of talent but when has that ever prevented somebody from starting in the Northside?
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 7:14 AM
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
It's pretty simple. You feed them, clean their shit, play with them, and put them to bed. What you don't do is put them in a dryer. Pretty sure that's the first step in the Good Parenting book: DO NOT PUT BABY IN ELECTRIC DRYER.
The kid is safe. But the fact that these type of people can procreate scares the living piss out of me. Not only do you put your kid in the dryer and give him a few potentially deadly alligator rolls but then you freak out and run to get help. Dude how about you unplug the fucking thing?
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:08 AM
I've gone on record saying I've never caught a foul ball let alone a home run and I've probably attended well over 300 ball games in my lifetime and yet this lucky SOB catches back-to-back home run balls in Cincinnati. Unbelievable! I guess the key for me to finally catching one is to go to the next Braves game Mike Minor is pitching and sit in left center. Obviously it doesn't even matter if the opposing pitcher is hitting my chances of catching a home run ball are exponentially greater with Minor throwing BP, I mean pitches. By the way I never understood the throwing back of the home run ball if it's the visiting team who hits one. Fuck that! There is absolutely no way I would ever throw it back just like there is absolutely no way I would have Minor start another game over Kris Medlen if I were Fredi Gonzalez.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 7:46 AM
As a Braves fan the one team that scares the living shit out of me in the NL East is the Miami Marlins. Yes the Phillies are the champions but they are getting old and have too many injuries. The Nationals are playing great but they are still too young. And the Mets are still just the Mets. The Marlins on the other hand have a good mixture of veterans (Jose Reyes, Hanley Ramirez, Mark Buehrle, Omar Infante, Carlos Zambrano, etc.) and some young guys like 22-year-old Giancarlo Stanton who can absolutely murder the ball. And you know Ozzie will keep things interesting down there in Little Havana. Before the season started I thought the NL East would be a Phillies/Marlins battle. Today, May 22, I think it will come down to the Braves and Marlins. Both organizations have good scouting departments and have sluggers (Stanton and Freddie Freeman) who are on their way to being huge superstars this season. It will be fun to watch.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:39 AM
Monday, May 21, 2012
This is reverse Danny Almonte shit right here. Cleveland point guard and rookie of the year Kyrie Irving dressed up as "Uncle Drew" and schooled a bunch of young guys in a pickup game. It's obviously some guerilla marketing campaign by Pepsi Max and it worked. They should do more of these. I would love to see Justin Verlander dress up as an old guy, put on a Brewers uniform and come out and play for our men's league team. Or you could have Jamie Moyer comeback and pitch in the Majors. Now that would be hilarious.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 11:38 AM
2 down and one more to go for horse racing history for I'll Have Another. If I'll Have Another can win the Belmont in 3 weeks then we are looking at the first horse since Affirmed in the late 70's to complete the Triple Crown. If you have ever attended Preakness in the infield you should know that there isn't a better horse name than I'll Have Another for the complete drunken shitfest that goes on starting at 8 am. Actually I think if I had the coin to buy a horse I might name him Drunken Shitfest. All the other horses wouldn't think twice about my stud because of his name while in the meantime we are taking over the horse racing world one furlong at a time. "Down the stretch we come and Drunken Shitfest is just punishing I'll Have Another!"
Great video here of I'll Have Another trainer Doug O'Neill watching his horse pass Bodemeister to keep his Triple Crown hopes alive.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:21 AM
Friday, May 18, 2012
Not only because it's the best bobblehead doll of all-time because it features a sliding Sid Bream with the umpire Randy Marsh calling him safe and a lunging Mike LaValliere stretching for the tag but because I was at this game with my Dad. In fact a couple of years ago I gave my Dad for Father's Day a framed autographed Sid Bream "The Slide" photo for his office. It's the most memorable sports event I've ever been a part of and now the Braves will be giving away these classic bobbleheads to the first 20,000 fans who attend the June 9th game vs the Toronto Blue Jays at The Ted. It's one of those moments that you will never forget and I cherish that I got to share it with my Dad who basically taught me everything about baseball.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 2:50 PM
This is just a classic scene from Wrigley Field today. Kerry Wood on his final MLB pitch throws his wicked curveball for strike three and walks off to a standing ovation. To get the juices even more flowing or tears for that matter he Cubby-bear hugs his son as he walks off the field. Major props go to the Chicago Cubs organization for letting Wood go out on his terms. From my first memory of Wood striking out 20 Astros in 1998 to this final moment I would say he played the game the right way.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 2:31 PM
Ok this needs to be said about the New Era hats once and for all. The flat brims are horrible. They are so damn hideous and red neck trash looking that even the bros wear them and think they look cool. Wrong. It looks ridiculous. You look like a blind carnie with a devastating limp trying to hump a dog with that flat brim brah! So please stop it with the flat brim look and for the love of all holy take off the damn sticker. We get it. You got a new hat instead of a high school diploma. Congratulations. The $35 you dished out still won't earn you any respect so just do us all a big favor and take off the sticker. As a business owner all the flat brims with the stickers on them just stamp a giant UNEMPLOYABLE right across your ugly mug. It's basically a neck tattoo in chinese characters that translates to don't hire me.
Any ways Round 2 of the Chicago vs Chicago was a giant step down from the epic round 1. I might as well post it for everyone to see. And please New Era can you make the hats less stiff. I want a relaxed fit, not a damn Shriners cone on my head.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:28 PM
Whether it is throwing a pigskin or toking the rock RG3 has a flair for the dramatic on the football field. Off the field the #2 pick wears eccentric socks and does the beatbox on the Tonight Show. The Redskins not only found their savior but they found a guy who should be a media darling for the next decade. RG3 has charisma, talent, and can beat off with the best of them. A modern day Dirk Diggler for sure.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 12:10 PM
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Two of my favorite baseball players share a birthday today: Future Hall of Famer John Smoltz and Hall of Famer George Brett.
Brett is one of the greatest third basemen of all-time and played his whole 20 year career in Kansas City. A pistol on and off the field Brett is known not just for his 3000 plus hits and over .300 batting average but the most famous ejection in MLB history: The Pine Tar Game.
If you ever see Brett in Las Vegas please don't give him the crab legs. This is his epic explosive shit story from Spring Training...
Also a big 45th Happy Birthday to the greatest Atlanta Braves pitcher of all-time John Smoltz. Yes I said it. Smoltz is the best "Atlanta" pitcher for his whole career. Better than Niekro, Mad Dog, and Glavine in my opinion. He is a sure-fire first-ballot Hall of Famer and was the most clutch Braves player in postseason history. Whether starting or closing games the first guy I would want on the mound wearing the tomahawk is Smoltzie. He also has a pretty sweet house up in Milton...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 11:26 AM
Monday, May 14, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Come on Albert. So what if you are struggling to hit the Mendoza line and drive in more runs in a whole season than what Josh Hamilton does in one game? It's no reason to take your roid rage out on teammate Erick Aybar especially after a win! Granted Aybar did hit Pujols' elbow and not his hand but it's not like he peppered his balls with a glove slap. Lighten up Albert. You got hundreds of millions to not live up to. No reason to go throwing hissy fits on your teammates.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:31 AM
Via Kegs N Eggs is the news that Bobby Petrino has decided to put his Hog, yes the one he crashed in with Jessica Dorrell, up for auction. The current bid is $4000 and the 2007 Harley Davidson is reportedly worth $18,000. Sorry guys but the blonde is not included with the purchase price. That will cost you your dignity and your job.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 6:58 AM
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 6:48 AM
This guy is clearly a SportsCrack fan. So what if the ball has a little dirt on it. It's in the beer now so you have to slug it! Bravo to this young Padres fan in his vintage Tony Gwynn jersey for stepping up and delivering one for the home crowd.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 6:36 AM
Arguably the game's best player who is in his contract year doesn't really worry about how a giant slip n slide-like tarp could effect his market value. Josh Hamilton has hit 5 home runs in his last 6 at-bats (the other was a double that came short about 5 feet) and if he damn well wants to act like a kid during a rain delay in Baltimore then so be it.
Play on playa.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 5:56 AM
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
Thank you Charles Barkley. It's one thing to be a prick to everybody like Rajon Rondo usually is but it's a whole other ballgame when you wear shitty clothing. I mean look at that fucking jacket! Even Craig Sager wouldn't put that shit on. If you wonder why people are laughing at you then with you Rondo you might want to look in the mirror bro. So don't be mad at everybody else Rondo because you lost to the Hawks and you wear Liberace jackets because we all know you are really just mad at yourself.
Video via BarStoolSports
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:39 AM
I watched the Orioles/Rangers game last night and after the first inning in which Josh Hamilton took a high breaking ball from Jake Arrieta deep to center I said to myself "do not pitch to him again." Well the Orioles and Buck Showalter decided to keep pitching to him and he made them pay all night. 4 home runs. 18 total bases. 8 RBIs. Hambone is a fucking beast and even as an Orioles fan it was entertaining to see somebody do something remarkable that had only happened 15 times before. But seriously Showalter what the fuck were you thinking? Stop pitching to him. Walk him. Hambone is scary Barry Bonds on steroids hot.
By the way those Klondike Choco Tacos look awesome. I haven't had one of those since I was picking celery out of my braces. Basically what I am saying is the commercial worked. I'm a fucking sucker.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 6:47 AM
Tuesday, May 08, 2012
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 2:06 PM
Monday, May 07, 2012
Thursday, May 03, 2012
Also we got this new one for Crazy Purple Kelly Face...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 12:14 PM
Via Andy Gray
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 6:57 AM
Chipper Jones just continues to do his Hall of Fame swag all over MLB's face. Another walk-off, 2-run homer for the recently turned 40-year-old shows the old man still has it when he can manage to get on the field. God I wish the Braves played in the American League so Chipper could DH and play every day.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 6:44 AM
There should be no more quarterback controversy at Notre Dame with the arrest of returning junior starter Tommy Rees last night. WNDU.com was the first to report the arrest.
The charges against Rees include a felony. He was arrested for resisting law enforcement, battery to law enforcement, minor consumption and public intoxication.Who was Tommy Rees fooling? There was no way he was outrunning anybody without being intercepted. Rees started 12 of 13 games last season for the Fighting Irish as they went 8-5. It's safe to assume he will no longer be in consideration for the starter's job for head coach Brian Kelly.
Police were called to the home on Notre Dame Avenue due to a noise complaint. According to a source, Rees-- who does not turn 20 until May 22nd-- freaked out when he saw police because he was underage and had been drinking. Rees tried to run off and hit an officer in the process of being caught. He was maced before being taken into custody.
In conclusion: Everett Golson just won the starting QB job. Thank you football gods.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 6:07 AM
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
Today the world lost one of the greatest all-time middle linebackers to ever play the game with the shocking news of Junior Seau's death. Seau was one of the most ferocious players on the field while building a Hall of Fame career in San Diego after his collegiate days in USC. Many of middle linebackers wore #55 because of Seau and I think it would be appropriate for USC to retire his number now since so many players pick it because of Junior. While I do tend to give grief to anybody who is associated with USC (even my sister who goes there) I once met Junior while out partying in Buckhead many years ago. Very nice guy and a fun guy to be around was the feeling me and my buddies got that night despite myself pestering him since he was a Trojan.
RIP Junior Seau. You will me missed. Seau is now the 8th member of the 1994 San Diego Chargers AFC Championship team to pass away. The oldest member was 53. Man that just doesn't seem right.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 11:40 AM
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Somehow last week I forgot to mention Bryce Harper was going to make his major league debut but between the golf and the drinking it managed to drown itself. But let's not talk about his debut (1-3 with a double and RBI) and instead let's focus on his fantastic coif of hair. It's a combination of Kenny Powers meets Barry Melrose. It's so fucking awful I actually like it. I'm sure the ladies in DC are just ready to run their dirty little hands through his glorious mop.
By the way what the fuck is up with chicks shaving one side of their heads nowadays? I saw Rihanna sporting it (think Gary Oldham's haircut in Fifth Element) and the first thing I thought besides what a disgusting filthy whore she is was my lord what a disgusting filthy dirty whore haircut she has. Please ladies I'm already sick of seeing Pirate hooker tattoos all over your bodies I don't know if I could put up with the Fifth Element haircut. Just stop it please. It's neither trendy or cool. It's just flat out dumb.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:42 PM
Andrew Luck may not have a Heisman or a National Championship but the #1 NFL Draft pick has a gymnast for a girlfriend. Basically he has all the money in the world and a flexible girlfriend. I would NOT trade that for a Heisman or a ring on any day of the week. In case you were wondering her name is Nicole Pechanec and she is currently a gymnast at Stanford. Feel free to stalk her.
The lesson here kids is if you are really good at throwing a football and have millions in the bank you too can get a hot girl. You just gotta be Luck.
/Brady Quinn nods in approval.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:22 PM
I don't think words can do this Cat Daddy Dance justice. I'll just let you describe it in your comments. It's Kate Upton's world and we are just living in it.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 11:00 AM