Thursday, February 17, 2011
Detroit Tigers first baseman apparently likes the booze a little too much. Cabrera was arrested last night for DUI after registering a staggering 0.26 BAC (.08 is the legal limit) with a bottle of James Buchanan Scotch in his car. The bottle wasn't just sitting there in the backseat when the officer approached Cabrera. He was fucking swigging from it! The officer then told Cabrera to follow his orders and Miggy responded in classic athlete style:" Do you know who I am, you don't know anything about my problems!"
This is Cabrera's second arrest due to alcohol problems. In 2009 he was arrested after getting in a fight with his wife when he was shitfaced smack dab in the middle of the season. Come on Cabrera. Everybody knows you get drunk during the offseason. It's ballplayer 101. Spring Training just started and you get caught doing a Tony Larussa? No doubt his punishment will be Jim Leyland cigarette burns to his forearms.
The Tigers don't need any more distractions from Cabrera. In fact they might want to just unload his alcohol problems on the Atlanta Braves. I'm thinking a Brooks Conrad and Kenshin Kawakami gets it done. Maybe throw in some Maker's Mark and a Pontiac to sweeten the honey pot for Detroit. Sounds fair to me.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:50 AM
One of the great things about college football that separates it from the NFL is the traditions each school has. Whether it be Howard's Rock at Clemson or Touchdown Jesus at Notre Dame or The Grove at Ole Miss each one of those certain traditions is dear and very prideful for the alums and fans of those certain schools. It's the traditions that help identify the school and is passed on from generation to generation. Unfortunately some Bammer asshole named "Al from Dadeville" has poisoned and will eventually kill one of Auburn's best traditions: Toomer's Corner.
Toomer's Corner are the majestic live oaks at the intersection of Magnolia and College streets in Auburn, AL. The oaks are over 130 years old and they mark the transition from downtown Auburn to the university campus. They were named after Toomer's Drug Store which has been a landmark for the town. It has become a tradition to roll the massive oaks after a big win for Auburn. Most recently the trees were rolled when Auburn won the BCS National Championship in January. Unfortunately those trees are now poisoned by one deranged fan.
"Al from Dadeville" called into the Paul Finebaum show and laid claim to poisoning the trees with a large quantity of Spike 80DF (tebuthiuron) on January 27th. "Al" who is no doubt deranged claimed he did it in retaliation for the posting of pictures showing Auburn fans rolling Toomer's Corner after the death of Alabama's iconic coach Bear Bryant in 1983 as well as photos of Cam Newton's #2 jersey placed on the Bear Bryant statue during the 2010 season. Auburn officials immediately tested the soil at Toomer's Corner and did find lethal doses of Spike 80DF. Yesterday it was confirmed the oaks could not be saved. They are slowly dying and eventually the tradition that is Toomer's Corner will go with it.
As a college football fan this should really piss you off even if you are not a fan of Auburn. I honestly could not imagine a Trojans fan going to Notre Dame and defacing Touchdown Jesus or torching the grotto. What if a Florida fan went to Sanford Stadium and poisoned UGA and the shrubs? Could you imagine how infuriated you would become if this happened? Rivalries are great for college football but when a fan like "Al" takes it to a poisoning and killing live things level then it has just gone way too far.
This morning "Al from Dadeville" was arrested. His name is Harvey Almorn Updyke, Jr. and you would think this was probably some idiot teenager who did it. Wrong. Harvey is an unemployed 62 year old man. He is being charged with a Class C felony of criminal mischief and if convicted he could serve 1-10 years in prison. A 62 year old man? What a fucking loser.
Harvey has stolen the future memories of the many generations of Auburn fans who would have rolled Toomer's Corner in celebration. In a way he has taken away the identity of the university. Those memories of Toomer's Corner will be gone with the next generation. It's unfortunate a 62 year old redneck like Harvey can poison and destroy those memories. Hopefully with all traditions such as Toomer's Corner something can be done to resuscitate it. Auburn can't let Toomer's Corner disappear because of a Bammer. It must be replaced. Auburn Nation is hurting right now and hopefully the fans and alumni take the high road and don't try to retaliate. Don't be like Harvey. Let the team take out their frustrations at the next Iron Bowl. It's what Toomer's Corner would have wanted.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:36 AM