Sunday, May 31, 2009

CHARLES BARKLEY CALLS HIS PRODUCER A PUSSY


Gotta love Barkley. He never holds back.

Video HT: Barstool Sports

BRUNO LANDS ON EMINEM AT MTV MOVIE AWARDS



This was all staged but it still is hilarious. I can't wait for Bruno to come out. Just the fact that he put his balls in front of Enimem is reason enough to give it a shot.

Friday, May 29, 2009

DREW BREES ROCKING THE COMBOVER MULLET



If I grew my hair out it would look exactly like this. I'm rocking the fading Pete Sampras hairline and instead of deciding to comb it over I just shave it. But New Orlean Saints QB Drew Brees is bringing back not only the comb over but also the Kenny Powers mullet. Good luck with that Mr. Chocolate Chip face. Hopefully this starts a trend in the sports world. I would love to see Matt Hasselbeck or even Kevin Youkilis sport the comb over mullet. Bring it back guys! Give this balding a hole a chance.

TERI HATCHER CAN STILL BRING IT


Desperate Housewives Teri Hatcher is like 89 years old and still looks like she could break some serious dicks off. It goes to prove that Botox can be a wonderful drug. As well as lipo and eating only food that rabbits enjoy. Go check out WWTDD for more pics of Hatcher cougar prowling on Miami Beach today.


And on that note have a great weekend everybody!

MATT WIETERS FIRST PRESS CONFERENCE


The kid looks like he is ready. One can only hope that he lives up to half of his hype. If he turns out to be anything close to resembling Twins catcher Joe Mauer then I will be one happy fan as well as all of the other Baltimore die hards out there.

Go get em tonight Matty!

Video courtesy of MASN Sports

KOBE AND LEBRON PUPPETS ON COKE


"COCAINE KOBE BRYANT! GET EXCITED!"

YANKEES SUCK SHIRT GETS COUPLE THROWN OUT OF RANGERS GAME


And to think an $8 Yankees Suck t-shirt could be so offensive! I thought this was America. Home of the free and the right to free speech. I believe in this country and I think the majority of people would not find this shirt offensive. Are we not allowed to attempt humor on a shirt anymore? I had no idea the Gestapo was alive and thriving in Arlington. Good day sir.

Video HT: Don

Thursday, May 28, 2009

BASEBALL RUMBLINGS


-Everyone knows Carlos Zambrano is a hot head. The guy melts down faster than an ice cube on the Devil's dick. I think Zambrano was just doing his best Kenny Powers impression. He was obviously inspired by Kenny's words of wisdom such as "You're fucking out!" Look, Zambrano had a right to be angry because he thought he tagged the runner out. Replays showed the runner might have just gotten in before the tag was applied. It doesn't matter. I love to see baseball players get fired up. It shows they have heart and want to win. And don't worry about that little bump they talked about. The umpire bumped into Zambrano. One other thing we found out about Zambrano after this freak out: he prefers Powerade.

-What the fuck are the Atlanta Braves doing? Have you seen their outfield production? Oh yeah, you haven't because there is none. Jordan Schafer has no right whatsoever to be in the major leagues right now. But yet everyday Bobby Cox trots him out to centerfield for his obligatory 3-4 K's a game. The kid is so overmatched right now it's not even funny. He can't hit an inside curveball to save his life and yet hitting coach Terry Pendleton has done nothing to correct his swing or position in the box to help him. If he can't be helped in Atlanta he needs to be sent down. Same with Jeff Francoeur. Frenchy is terrible at the plate. I love his arm and defense in the outfield but the guy just hasn't adjusted to major league pitching. Maybe Bobby Cox knows something that I don't but I can not for the life of me see these guys make drastic improvements. The Braves offense is anemic because of Frenchy, Schafer, and Garrett Anderson. GM Frank Wren needs to make a move to get a power bat for the outfield. The Braves have the pitching to compete with anybody but they can't score any runs. Or maybe they need to fire Pendleton. If I were the Braves GM I would fire Pendleton, send Schafer down, and trade Frenchy plus some other spare pitching parts(Charlie Morton, Medlen, etc.) for a proven slugger. Matt Holliday could be available. The Orioles are willing to listen to offers for Aubrey Huff. Make some phone calls Wren. Turn this team around.

-Zack Greinke is reminding me of Pedro Martinez when he first appeared in Boston. Zack Attack is almost untouchable right now when he steps on the mound. I actually expect him to throw a no-hitter this year. We are already almost a third of the way through the season and his ERA is still below 1.00. He has 5 complete games. If this guy pitched for one of the East Coast teams he would be considered the greatest pitcher ever. Well, it doesn't matter because he is pitching in KC and bringing back the fans to Kauffman. I want to see the Royals compete for their division almost as badly as I want to watch Greinke pitch. The loyal Royals fans who have stuck by their team deserve it.

THE FREAK 55 SAN FRANCISCO SHIRT


We got a brand new shirt called The Freak in honor of Tim Lincecum. Lincecum has been lights out this season after dominating the National League last season in winning his first Cy Young. Affectionately called "The Freak" by teammates and fans, now you can wear the shirt to support your favorite player. The shirt has a distressed design to give it a vintage look and feel to it.

SPORTSCRACK STORE PAGE

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

NOLAN REIMOLD IS THE MAN!


WALK OFF 3 RUN HOMERUN IN THE BOTTOM OF THE 11TH TO WIN THE GAME! A sweep of the Blue Jays, their first since 1994. Plus I saw a fan wearing a Nick the Stick shirt right before Reimold hit the laser shot out. Hell yeah!

T-SHIRT TRIVIA


I got one free Sportscrack Tee or Drink Like a Champion Today shirt to the first person who can answer this trivia question correctly.

There have been an abundance of home steals in baseball this year, can you name the all-time leader in home stolen bases and the exact number this person collected in their career?

First person to email me their name, address, and the correct answers to matt@sportscrack.com will get a free shirt of their choice. Good luck!

UPDATE: Congratulations go out to Jim Niemie of New York for being the first person to correctly email me the answer of Ty Cobb with 54 stolen bases. Jim picked the BC$ We Want Playoffs not Payoffs shirt. Be on the lookout next Wednesday at noon eastern when we will do another Sportscrack Tee Trivia giveaway.

THE GREAT WIETERS HOPE


And so it begins...nearly two full years after the Baltimore Orioles drafted phenom catcher Matt Wieters with the 5th overall pick out of Georgia Tech, Wieters will make his major league debut this Friday in Camden Yards against the Detroit Tigers. The 6'5 catcher has had scouts, baseball executives, coaches and fans raving and drooling about his minor league production not to mention his future MLB potential as one of the centerpieces of an Orioles franchise that already boosts young superstars in Nick Markakis and Adam Jones. Wieters has drawn favorable comparisons to Joe Mauer and Jason Varitek. Excuse me while I change my pants. I think I just soiled myself.

Orioles president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail revealed last night during the MASN broadcast against the Blue Jays that Wieters would make his debut and that he was ready...

"He is really starting to hit the ball; he has been on quite a streak over the last 10 days...he has made the progress, the power is starting to come. He is (hitting) over .300 as we speak. ... It's time. He has done what he has needed to do at that level."

Wieters learned last night before taking the field for the Norfolk Tides that he was being called up. How did he respond to the news? Oh, simply by going 4-for-4 with a double, 4 RBIs and getting on base all 5 times he was up. Yeah, he is most certainly ready. Wieters tore up A and AA ball last year while climbing up to the #1 overall prospect. He finished last season with 27 home runs, drove in 91, and hit .355 overall with an on-base percentage of nearly .450 while earning the Baseball America Player of the Year honor. This season his production hasn't been as good while playing in AAA due partly to a tender hamstring that shelved him for almost a week. But nevertheless scouts and coaches and even the players know he is ready to make a big impact in Baltimore.
"Right when he came up [to Bowie] and I saw him play for a while, I was like 'Wow,' " said Orioles left fielder Nolan Reimold, who played with Wieters for parts of two seasons. "He can really hit and he can really play."

Wieters was all part of a plan drawn up and implemented by MacPhail to revitalize the Orioles minor league system. The Orioles spent too many seasons chasing old veterans, drafting the wrong guys, and not developing the talent and/or trading it away(I still can't believe to this day they traded Curt Schilling, Pete Harnisch, and Steve Finley for Glenn Davis). But MacPhail has changed the Orioles franchise around and thankfully owner Peter Angelos has learned from his past mistakes and let a great baseball mind do his job. One of those was drafting Wieters with the 5th pick when he was rated the #1 overall player in the draft and only fell because of signing issues(Scott Boras client). MacPhail got him signed and delivered at the 11th hour with an Orioles record signing bonus of $6 million.

Wieters has proven so far that he is well worth the money. The Orioles haven't had a winning season since I was a freshman at Towson University. That was 12 years ago. It's been a painful decade to watch a proud franchise like the Orioles slip while teams in their division like the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees enjoy huge success thanks in large part to the economics of the game. But things are changing for the better in Charm City. With the contract extensions of Markakis and Brian Roberts and the trade with Seattle to bring in superstar in the making Adam "Bazooka" Jones and future ace Chris Tillman along with All-Star closer George "Flat Breezy" Sherrill things are starting to look sunny on the diamond for the first time since Cal Ripken smiled and waved his final farewell to the fans. Not to mention that MacPhail drafted and signed future aces Jake Arrieta and Brian Matusz as part of a "cavalry" of young pitching phenoms that should have Marylanders ready to hang up those Ravens hats and start heading back to Camden Yards.

Wieters is just the start of the Great Hope. The next decade of call ups should be the light to guide the Orioles out of the darkness.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED BABY

I'm 30 years old, married, own a home, drive a SUV, and have two dogs and a cat. You know what comes next don't ya? Yes. A baby. You figured your friends would be happy for you. Think again. Take a look at your future, my future, the whole human race future...


I went and saw Terminator Salvation on Friday. Good action flick for all the Terminator junkies out there. But seriously, why no mention of John Connor's wife and his baby? Director McG seriously messed up on that part. It's like he was scared to even acknowledge to the audience the existence of a future Connor. I was almost as disappointed as when those garbage Star Wars prequels came out. Seriously, no baby Chewbacca? Come on George Lucas. He must have consulted his friends before filming. Oh, don't worry if you haven't seen Terminator Salvation. Everybody dies. It's over. I won't ruin it for you though and give you anymore details.

YOUR TUESDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

Since we took off for Memorial Day here is your Tuesday morning wake up song...

CLEVELAND NEEDS TO BELIEVE...

In the power of Lebron. Talk about a city full of defeatist losers, check out this Cleveland news station give up all hope after the Orlando Magic took a 2 point lead with 1 second left in the game 3.


I still think the NBA rule where you call a time out after the opposing team scores and you get the selection of taking the ball past half court is one of the dumbest rules in sports. But it does make for exciting highlights.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

FURTHER PROOF THAT THE SPORTING NEWS JUST NEEDS TO GO AWAY AND DIE


I know most of you had no idea that the Sporting News was even around but apparently they still exist. I will give them credit, they do put links to some of my "articles" so apparently they have good taste. I can't say I blame them for wanting to get some of the Sportscrack love. I found a list of their top 50 MLB players in the game today.

Take a look at this joke...

1. Albert Pujols, Cardinals
2. Alex Rodriguez, Yankees
3. Johan Santana, Mets
4. Manny Ramirez, Dodgers
5. Hanley Ramirez, Marlins
6. Chase Utley, Phillies
7. Roy Halladay, Blue Jays
8. Derek Jeter, Yankees
9. Mariano Rivera, Yankees
10. Chipper Jones, Braves
11. Ryan Howard, Phillies
12. Grady Sizemore, Indians
13. David Wright, Mets
14. Justin Morneau, Twins
15. Jimmy Rollins, Phillies
16. Josh Beckett, Red Sox
17. Mark Teixeira, Yankees
18. Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox
19. Tim Lincecum, Giants
20. Evan Longoria, Rays
21. Lance Berkman, Astros
22. Jose Reyes, Mets
23. Carlos Beltran, Mets
24. Ian Kinsler, Rangers
25. Zack Greinke, Royals
26. Josh Hamilton, Rangers
27. Alfonso Soriano, Cubs
28. Miguel Cabrera, Tigers
29. CC Sabathia, Yankees
30. Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners
31. Brandon Webb, Diamondbacks
32. Ryan Braun, Brewers
33. Dan Haren, Diamondbacks
34. Francisco Rodriguez, Mets
35. Matt Holliday, A's
36. Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox
37. Vladimir Guerrero, Angels
38. Jake Peavy, Padres
39. Joe Mauer, Twins
40. Carlos Quentin, White Sox
41. Jason Bay, Red Sox
42. Chad Billingsley, Dodgers
43. Cliff Lee, Indians
44. Torii Hunter, Angels
45. Victor Martinez, Indians
46. Roy Oswalt, Astros
47. Carlos Delgado, Mets
48. Carlos Zambrano, Cubs
49. Cole Hamels, Phillies
50. Brian McCann, Braves


Ummm, excuse me but where the fuck is Nick Markakis? Derek Jeter at #8! You have to be kidding me. Listen, I kind of like Jeter even though he is a Yankee. The guy scores unbelievable poon and keeps his name out of the papers for all the right reasons. But there is no fucking way he is the 8th best player in the game. Please get your dick out of his ass before he shits all over you. If you are going to put Mariano Rivera on there, especially in the top 10, you better sure as hell put Trevor Hoffman on there. But nope, Hell's Bells Hoffman isn't even in the top 50 yet he has a better career ERA, more saves, and is having a better season right now than Rivera. Evan Longoria should be top 10...no doubt in my mind. Chipper Jones is not a better 3B than Longoria at this point. Grady Sizemore might be one of the most overrated players in the game. Adam Bazooka Jones is a better hitter, better fielder, and has a way better arm than Sizemore. Josh Beckett rated higher than Tim Lincecum and Zack Greinke? Holy shit, this list should just be crumpled up and burned. I'm going to come up with my own list. I can't put up with stupid shit like Matt Holliday, Vladimir Guerrero, and Jason Bay are seen as better players than Nick Markakis.

I will try to get my list out within the next few days.

RON MEXICO IS FREE (SORT OF)


Thank God Ron Mexico aka Michael Vick is finally free. Now we have a NFL storyline worth following. All kidding aside Vick was released from prison today after serving 19 months for killing dogs in his own financed dogfighting ring. He will now serve two months of home confinement (smoking blunts and playing video games with his "friends") up in Virginia. He will also wait to meet with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to hear if he will be reinstated to the NFL in 2009.

First off I am all about forgive and forget. Michael Vick has done some shitty stuff. A lot of it. Killing dogs is not cool at all. I can't even make a joke of it right now. I have two dogs right now and grew up with dogs since I first blinked. I've been around viscous dogs too. And in no way have I ever thought it was right to kill one. Call me a pacifist, pussy, puppy lover, whatever. I am willing to forgive Vick if he can admit to what he did was wrong with sincerity. Granted the guy has a hard time completing a sentence so we may never get it. I may be in the minority but I want to see this guy come back and have success in the NFL. Just not with the Atlanta Falcons. I'm sure Mexico can still play. You know the guy has been working on his agility and speed in the prison showers. Hell, I would come out of there looking like Barry Sanders even I had to hide my backside in prison.

I'm not sure Goodell will grant him reinstatement right away. I could see Goodell letting Vick sit out a year and then come back in 2010. We know whatever team is interested in signing Vick will have to put up with a PR nightmare. PETA will be all over their ass, throwing blood on their training facility while crying about the rights of pit bulls. The only team I think brave enough to not give a shit about PR nightmares is Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. Sure I think it would be more ironic if the Cleveland Browns signed him for the Dawgpound but they got Brady Quinn's career to fuck up right now.

Vick would fit in nicely with the Raiders. They love speed and one could only imagine a team with Jamarcus Russell's arm, Mexico's speed, D-Mac's running ability, and Heyward-Bey's deep bomb threat would do to NFL defenses. So I'm saying get ready Raiders fans. You will be dealing with Vick next year. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. Till dog death do us part.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I HEART GEORGE BRETT

The Hall of Famer tells it like it is and leaves little to the imagination when answering the criticism about his pants...ummm...I meant to say the criticism current Royals manager Trey Hillman is facing from that typhoon of a Kansas City media storm he faces everyday...


George Brett needs to be the new commissioner of baseball. He doesn't take shit from anybody. Any man brave enough to go out on the golf course with those striped pants has my vote. I wonder if he was wearing those pants because he shit himself again...


I've loved George Brett ever since he came raging out of that visitor's dugout in Yankees Stadium years ago. The guy is pure passion and stands up for what he believes in. He should be the face of baseball. Not Bud Selig. And sure, I have no idea if he is qualified or even wants the job. But any man who can admit that he shits himself has my vote of confidence.

On a related note you can get the Zackkkk Attackkkk shirts by clicking the link below...

Monday, May 18, 2009

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

Friday, May 15, 2009

BIG PAPI NEEDS ROIDS...BADLY


2009 STATS

150 AT-BATS

0 HOME RUNS

15 RBI'S

.317 SLUGGING PERCENTAGE

.650 OPS

Less than 3 years after he hit a league leading 54 bombs in 2006 the great Big Papi can't even hit one in a fucking hitter's park. And people were giving Andruw Jones shit in LA for sucking. They better start piling on David Ortiz up in Boston. The incredible shrinking Papi is a shell of his former self since they started testing. But who gives a shit right? They got two rings with him in Boston. If I was a Red Sox fan I still wouldn't consider the two championships tainted even with Manny and Big Papi obviously cheating the whole time. Every team had somebody cheating on it. If you weren't cheating then I guess you weren't trying.

But I think Big Papi might want to keep his mouth shut the next time he says something like this...

"I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody," he said. "You go team by team. You test everybody three, four times a year and that's about it." And if a player tests positive for steroids? "Ban 'em for the whole year," the slugger said.

MY PICK FOR THE PREAKNESS



Since you are no longer allowed to BYOB at Preakness I could really give two shits about it. Way to take the fun out of Preakness. No more Port-a-Potty races or naked slip n slide. Instead you will have an infield full of overpriced beer with only the "rich" college kids attending from schools like John Hopkins. Can't wait to see a bunch of Hopkins brainiacs slugging Black-Eyed Susans while their slutty girlfriends give head to whomever will buy them a drink. Bring back the Natty Light. Bring back the fun. And bring back the normal people.

Anyways my pick to win the Preakness is Fergie. As you can see in the picture above the horse-faced, former singer of The Black Eyed Peas will no doubt win a close race thanks to the numerous Black-Eyed Susans she will consume before exiting her stable. That beast of a Filly has been getting either heavy dosages of Chris Brown love smacks or her face has turned into a Cinnabon.

So throw $100 on Fergie and thank me later. There is no way that horse face doesn't win in Pimlico.

CHARLES BARKLEY HITS BAMA FAN WITH HIS SWING OF BEAUTY

It goes to show you that no matter how many lessons you receive from the world's best golf pro in Hank Haney you can not cure the shit that is Charles Barkley's golf swing.













Hey Bama fan, how about next time you not stand in front of Charles Barkley while he is teeing off.


Video HT: Al.com

Thursday, May 14, 2009

BEST OF KENNY POWERS

Listen, I'm too lazy and busy to type blogs about sports today. It's called the Fairchild syndrome. Some people call it a disease, I call it fucking Thursday. Anyways, here are some clips of Eastbound and Down. The greatest fucking television show ever. And unfortunately it's not available On Demand right now because it's too fucking awesome.



"Honey I love you, I think you are a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a fucking dickhead!"

Feel free to leave some of your favorite Kenny Powers lines in the comments section.

DESPITE THESE PICS I STILL DON'T LIKE JOAKIM NOAH


Ever since I saw this pothead's ugly mug in Gainesville there has always been something really annoying about him that just gets under my skin. Maybe it was his Michael Strahan smile or his disgusting long hair or maybe the way he danced but there has always been an instant turn the channel moment for me when current Chicago Bulls forward Joakim Noah shows up for any considerable amount of time on screen. TMZ now has pictures of Noah having a grand old time with some chick with big fake jugs down in St. Barts. This makes me only hate him more. Supposedly the topless girl is his girlfriend which in NBA terms means he is stuck with her for a while because he gave her some kind of STD. It's called the Dwyane Wade rule. Maybe hate is a little too strong of a word to use for Noah. I give him props for hooking up with Milkjugs. She doesn't look like some Alien form that A-Roid would fuck.

Speaking of players I can't stand, there is a certain shortstop for the Atlanta Braves who thinks he is A-Roid. Yunel Escobar carries himself in a way that only blind people could admire. He has frosted tips and doesn't run or hustle worth a shit. He thinks he is a superstar but the guy has as much range at shortstop as Adam Dunn in the outfield. Every time I see Escobar I want to punch him in his cocky face. You are no A-Roid or Chipper for that matter so stop acting like you are hot shit Yunel. I'm not going to deny the talent that Escobar possesses but if the dipshit doesn't at least hustle a little bit more than I don't see why the Braves kept him this offseason. Get rid of the frosted hair and the smug look of superstardom you think you have become. You are nothing but a tool Yunel who can occasionally hit doubles but are too lazy to leg them out for triples. And stop hitting into so many fucking double plays please. It gets really annoying when the Braves get some momentum and you come up and hit into an inning ending DP for the 5th time in less than a week. Seriously, you hit into more DP's than strikeouts on inside fastballs by Jordan Schafer.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

WALLY BACKMAN IS A CUNNING LINGUIST


Speaking of the 1986 New York Mets, here we have former "portable potty" member and current South Georgia Peanuts minor league manager Wally Backman going off his young team after a tough loss. He seems like a nice guy. I actually can't blame him for his tirade. Have you seen South Georgia? The mosquito's are bigger the women down there.

Video HT: WithLeather via Playing for Peanuts

KYRA SEDGWICK IS AN INCREDIBLE ACTRESS

Not often can one make TNT's Craig Sager look good, especially in those hideous suits, but actress Kyra Sedgwick does a fine job. She might want to stick to the script though of "This game is fantastic!" or the NBA is "Where amazing happens!" instead of trying to improvise her role of "NBA Fan." She obviously doesn't know the difference between an old catcher's mitt and Kevin Bacon's face at this point. Actually I might not be able to tell the difference at this stage.



I actually love the fact that she knows she is bombing on live television but just smiles thinking that her pretty face will get her off just like the first time she sat on a directors couch. I think it's called the Denise Richards method.

FIRST EVER STREAKER AT CITI FIELD


As you can see this jackass made "history" by being the first streaker at the Met's Citi Field. I'm sure it was fun for him after they escorted him off the field and clubbed him like a baby seal. It's what New York cops do. They have a lot of pressure on them ever since NYPD Blue came out and we saw Dennis Franz bare ass on screen. You can't tell me the police department doesn't hold a grudge for that portrayal.

I got some things I need to get off my chest about the new Shea Stadium. First off why in the hell do they have a Jackie Robinson memorial there? I get it that Jackie is an institution on itself in regards to baseball and his name is held in high regards to the desegragation in Major League Baseball. But last time I checked he never played for the Mets. He was a Dodger. Just because the owner has some creepy fascination with Robinson doesn't make it right. Shouldn't it be about the Mets history? For instance they should have a memorial room filled with cocaine in honor of the 1986 Mets. Doc Gooden called them the "portable party" because of all the booze, loose women, greenies, and cocaine that team devoured on their way to their World Series victory over the Boston Red Sox. How about just a toilet with a simple line of coke on the top of the seat and a saying underneath that gets to the point: "Keith Hernandez once snorted off this actual toilet seat before delivering a game winning hit, propelling him to a night of hookers, blow, and celebrity cult status."

Second thing I need to get off my chest is about that shit stadium they made and how quirky it is. You would think if you spent $800 million plus on a stadium you could get the thing right. Why then do a lot of the seats have blind spots? If I am paying top dollar for a seat I expect to see the whole field of play. And what's up with all the rails that come into play in the outfield. Can you not just build a simple fence that makes it fairly easy for the umpire to be able to call a home run or a ground rule double?

And yes I am bitter about the Braves blowing that game last night to the Mets in case you were wondering. In old Shea Stadium the Braves would have never blown that game. The new one not so much.

Video HT: With Leather

Monday, May 11, 2009

BABA BOOEY THROWING OUT THE FIRST PITCH


For all the fellow Stern listeners out there this is for you guys. Gary has been talking about practicing for weeks to throw out the first pitch for the Mets game and when he finally gets his chance he blows it. I mean seriously dude, the guy throws like Rick Ankiel off the mound. Embarrassing doesn't even describe it. As a 4 year old with my non throwing hand I could throw a better pitch. I hope Howard and especially Artie give Baba Booey a heavy dosage of shit talking this week for this throw.

CURTIS GRANDERSON ROBS GRADY SIZEMORE

To save the game nonetheless in the ninth inning....


I hope Justin Verlander showered Granderson with shots and whores after the game.

Video HT: Deadspin

ZACK ATTACK KANSAS CITY BASEBALL SHIRT



The second shirt we wanted to introduce this week is the brand new "Zack Attackkkk" Kansas City Baseball shirt. The best pitcher in baseball has brought back a ton of excitement to Kauffman Stadium with his cool demeanor and multiple K's he has put on the board.

Grab the one and only Zackkkk Attackkkk shirt on our store page.

GOLDEN IS THY FAME SHIRT


We got some new shirts available starting this week. The first one I wanted to introduce is the "GOLDEN IS THY FAME" Shirt. This navy shirt has a vintage look and feel to it. Shipping will start at the end of the week.

IMPORTANT BONUS ON THE SHIRT: If anybody wants to do a bulk order of 5 or more on the "Golden Is Thy Fame" shirts I can arrange a discount on the shirts along with free shipping. Feel free to email me at matt@sportscrack.com for more details including huge discounts with orders of 20 or more shirts.

GOLDEN IS THY FAME SHIRT AVAILABLE HERE

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

Friday, May 08, 2009

FORGET GI JOE, TERMINATOR, AND TRANSFORMERS: MY LITTLE PONY IS COMING TO THEATERS



HELL YEAH!!! Don't act like you didn't play with My Little Ponys when you were a kid. Where is your loyalty?

Video HT: Kevin

THERE IS A GOD: NEW BELGIUM BREWERY BEERS COMING TO GEORGIA


I just got the good news yesterday from some friends that Fat Tire, 1554 and Mothership Wit will be available for consumption starting May 11th. (the clouds break open and the sun reappears, angels sing in the background) OH...MY...GOD! I've been a huge fan of Fat Tire and 1554 since my high school days when my buddy Andrew introduced me to the frothy craft beers. The only way you could get them back then was by either living in Colorado or illegally bringing them across state lines. Guilty as charged.

Here is some information via The Full Pint about the Georgia unveiling...

Fort Collins, CO - April 27, 2009 - New Belgium Brewing, the third-largest craft brewer in the U.S., today announced that 22-ounce bombers of Fat Tire, 1554 and Mothership Wit will be available throughout Georgia beginning May 11. The roll-out will begin with bomber bottles for approximately 60 days, to be followed by draft.


I'm okay with 22 oz bombers to start off. I drink the NewCastle ones all the time. Now if only we can get gambling, and I'm talking full out sports betting and craps tables and all that other shit legalized here in the great state of Georgia, I might actually start to like this place even better. Somewhere, underground, Governor Sonny Perdue is weeping into blood soaked slave clothes knowing his control over Georgia is slowly slipping away. Thank God!

OVECHKIN MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE ATHLETE

Alexander Ovechkin is the best player in hockey and dominates his sport in a way that only Lebron James and Tiger Woods can relate. He may not be the prettiest guy to look at but the Ruskie has charisma, grit, and the ability to score no matter where he is on the ice. It's hard for me to say these things too when I'm a total homer for fellow Russian and current Atlanta Thrasher Ilya Kovalchuk. What I like most about Ovechkin is he doesn't give a shit. He plays his game, he throws his body around and scores hat tricks in the playoffs that almost brings the Verizon Center roof crumbling down because the crowd has Ovie Mania!

And oh yeah, he joins in singing "You Suck!" with the crowd...


How can you not root for a guy like that?

Just take a look at Capitals Reporter Lisa Hillary's reaction when she thinks she sees Ovechkin...


Sorry Lisa, that ain't no rat. It's the guy who could bring a Cup to D.C.

BETWEEN TWO FERNS WITH NATALIE PORTMAN



"You shaved your head for V for Vendetta...did you also shave your v for va....?"
-priceless question by Galifianakis, one I don't think I would have the balls to ask the young "acteress" Portman. Bravo Zach, bravo.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

DIRK BEING DIRK


If there is one thing German basketball superstars know what to do, and I've been saying this for years, it's how to knock up a crazy lady with a checkered past and then get her arrested. This story is just too bizarre, or complicated for a simpleton like myself, to explain so I will let CBS11 out of Dallas explain Dirk Nowitzki's love life...

Dallas police officers arrested 37-year-old Cristal Taylor Wednesday morning at Dallas Mavericks player Dirk Nowitzki's house on a fraud warrant. Thursday she remained in the Dallas County Jail on $20,000 bond.

CBS 11 News has learned that a team of three attorneys converged on Dirk's house, along with several members of law enforcement, Wednesday. Among them a retired FBI agent who is now a private investigator that was either hired by Dirk or his attorneys. At least one of the attorneys specializes in family law.

Sources also say when Taylor was being arrested she was concerned about parting with the $250,000 ring she was wearing.

A woman who claims to be Taylor's best friend...says Nowitzki and Cristal Taylor were engaged--and that she is pregnant.

Taylor's friend also says Nowitzki knew Taylor had a checkered past, but adds that neither she nor Nowitzki knew Taylor had outstanding warrants.

The friend says that when Taylor was taken to the Dallas County Jail Wednesday, the staff took a urine sample and told her she's pregnant. An individual who spent the night in jail with Taylor also tells CBS 11 News that Taylor is claiming to be pregnant.


Damn, Dirk just got slammed all in his face with some psycho bitch who not only managed to get engaged but knocked up with a little Dirk dribbling inside her. This "Cristal", if that is her real name, is obviously preying on The High Flying Deutschman to get money now and eventual alimony plus child support once they separate which is inevitable after she gives birth. Poor Dirk, I feel bad for him. Love shouldn't be so costly. But for entertainment purposes it's great.

Good luck concentrating on the playoff game tonight Dirk.

MANNY BUSTED FOR BEING MANNY


Of course my internet has been out all fucking morning so I'm only the 350,000th person to report that Manny Ramirez was busted for using "performance enhancing drugs." His 50 game suspension comes as a shock to some but not me. If anybody was going to get busted for doing something stupid like using PED's then I would have thought Manny would be one of the first guys. Hell, Jose "The Saint" Canseco told us a month ago that he thought there was a 90% chance Manny was using shit to help his performance. And if there is anybody we can trust with telling the truth in baseball it is Mr. Bash Brother Canseco.

But was he using shit to help hit a baseball or was he using prescriptions to help his slugging percentage beneath the sheets? Yahoo Sports has a report saying that a source close to Manny can confirm that he wasn't busted for steroids or HGH but rather a sexual enhancer...

The source, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the substance is supposed to boost sex drive. It is not Viagra, but a substance that treats the cause rather providing a temporary boost in sexual performance, the source said.

The Major League baseball list of banned substances includes the gonadotropins LH and HCG, which are most commonly used by women as fertility drugs. They also can be used to trigger testosterone production. Testosterone is depleted by steroid use, which can cause sexual dysfunction.


So with this report from Yahoo we really have no idea what the hell is going on with Manny Ramirez. Apparently his limp dick or bitch tits or whatever you want to call it has earned himself a 50 game suspension. Manny isn't appealing the decision and has accepted his fallacy with this released statement from himself or somebody who actually knows how to write in English...
“Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was okay to give me. Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons."


And if you are wondering about a shirt involving Manny Being Manny you have absolutely no worries. It will be done by Sportscrack...

Above design is a trademark of Sportscrack LLC so don't get any fucking ideas about stealing it and using it as your own. I know people.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

BOBBY SCALES FINALLY GOT HIS MLB MOMENT


I have been meaning to post about this for a couple of days. Former Milton High School second baseman Bobby Scales got his first major league hit yesterday off reigning Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum. After 11 long years of only playing in the minor leagues it was great to see a former Milton baseball player who I once played with get his shot at big league pitching for the first time in his career.

Scales had garnered over 3300 minor league at-bats with 4 different organizations before finally getting his call up two days ago. To see him rock a solid single opposite field off Lincecum gave me the chills. Scales has always played for the love of the game and was always known as a "hustle" guy who always busted his ass. I feel great for him and I hope he can stay with the Cubs till the end of the season although that is in doubt when Carlos Zambrano comes back off the DL. He deserves it for gutting it out all these years. God knows I wouldn't.

But nevertheless this day in Sportscrack is dedicated to Bobby. You can check out his first hit and his great diving stop to rob a hit with this video from MLB. Scales now joins Kyle Farnsworth(fellow Milton grad), Michael Barrett, Nick Green, and Corey Patterson in a list of players I either played against or with during my non illustrious baseball career.

If you want to book me for an autograph show you can email me at crappybaseballplayer@sportscrack.com

HT: Yahoo

THE KENTUCKY DERBY LOOKS LIKE FUN


I think going to the Kentucky Derby at Churchhill Downs is one of those right of passages every sports fan should do. I've attended games in Wrigley, Fenway, and Notre Dame Stadium and lived to tell the stories. Unfortunately I have never been to the Derby. I've done Preakness many of times but have never gotten my ass up to Kentucky for the first leg of the Triple Crown. After seeing the mud wrestling above I think next year might be a good time to make my first trek. The infield is where all the chaos and fun happens. This year they had over 150,000 people (mind you mostly drunk) attend and their television ratings were the highest in almost two decades. Horse racing is alive and well. So is mud wrestling in bikinis. The mud wrestling video makes me proud to be an American. That and our insane tax system.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS JERRY RICE WEARING?

In between watching the Atlanta Hawks get run all over by King James in the playoffs and viewing the Braves lose yet again to the lowly stinkin' Mets I somehow managed to "accidentally" flip on ABC. And what do you fucking know it's "Dancing with the C-list Stars" on and my jaw literally dropped, hit the floor, came back up and kicked me in the nuts before I laughed out loud.... "WHAT THE FUCK IS JERRY RICE WEARING?" I finally found a clip of it so you can see the NFL Hall of Famer making a complete and utter ass of himself on national television. Fast forward to the 3:20 mark of the video...

They call it "Dance Center" but I call it "Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity Center" hosted by Kenny Mayne. I know they were going for comedy but this is ABC. I honestly can't remember the last funny thing I saw on ABC other than the Presidential debates. Seriously Jerry, what the hell are you doing? I know that 80% of NFL players go broke within 10 years of retirement but the greatest receiver of all-time can't be hurting this bad for cash. Can he? I was just waiting for him to stand up and reveal the assless chaps he was no doubt wearing with two cartoon faces of Joe Montana and Steve Young on each cheek.

Not that there is anything wrong with that kind of behavior mind ya (covering my gay hate mail).

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

RICK ANKIEL STICKS HIS NECK OUT


Rick Ankiel aka Ricky Vaughn made this spectacular catch last night in Citizen's Bank Park against the Phillies. No need to worry about that jarring hit into the outfield padding. He is walking and in perfectly good health today. I forgot to mention that last week I got to see the St. Louis Cardinals play in Atlanta. I got down there kind of early so I could watch some batting practice, drink a cold beer(translation: beers in the parking lot before going in and dishing out $7 per) and beat the clusterfuck known as Atlanta traffic.

"The Ted" as I call is just south of the capital and unfortunately like most of metro Atlanta residents I live just north of the city. Three major highways converge in downtown Atlanta so you can only imagine how much of a headache I get just thinking about driving down to the Braves games. If people outside of Atlanta wonder why the Braves attendance can be poor at times they should note that traffic blows and Marta doesn't even drop off at The Ted.

On with the festivities known as batting practice. Our seats were on the visiting side dugout so I decided to go down near the Cardinals' dugout and watch the great MVPujols and perhaps get a picture with him and the shirt for the website. Pujols was of course bombing balls out of the park and joking around with teammates. You can see that his teammates really like him and now I can fully understand why the media gives him a pass when it comes to the steroid era. Anyways we are standing there waiting for Pujols when this cocky, arrogant piece of shit with sunglasses comes out of the dugout. You can already tell that this rookie is not very liked by his teammates because they tend to ignore him. He has this swagger and cock sure attitude that he is the shit. I don't want to give away his name for fear of embarrassing him. Let's just say his name is Colby Assmunch. Assmunch comes over to the side of the dugout and asks the kid behind me who is apparently one of his friends from Columbus I believe if he brought "the stuff." The guy nods yes and hands him this small brown leather bag that Assmunch quickly puts in his windbreaker pocket so no one can see it.

So my question is what could it have been? It was too small to be buttdarts but it could have been anal beads for Assmunch. HGH? Protein? I don't know what it was but Assmunch didn't want anyone else to know either so it makes me think it had to be something either illegal or incriminating.

Enough of that dickweed talk. The real treat was watching Pujols in batting practice. I didn't get a picture with the guy but I did get an autograph ball. And yes, I squealed like a little girl and soiled my pants immediately upon receiving. The moral of the story is Pujols cool. Assmunch not.

Video HT: WithLeather via The Fightins

GOOD MORNING, MEGAN FOX VIDEO


I got nothing else to say. Oh yeah...you're welcome.

SHANE BATTIER: WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS?


If bleeding is amazing then Shane Battier is your man NBA. He was known to bleed for five days while in college in Durham without dying so I guess that is pretty amazing. The Houston Rockets shocked the world last night by taking game 1 from the Kobe "No means No" Lakers in front of the glitz and glamour of soul less celebrities who think they are the shit. It must be pretty embarrassing to have the Duke Floppy outshine ya with his bloody gash.

OVECHKIN! OVECHKIN! OVECHKIN!


Yesterday the best player in basketball got his first MVP while the best player in hockey collected his first playoff hat trick. The Washington Capitals Alexander Ovechkin was absolutely sick last night putting the Caps on his back and carrying them to a 4-3 victory over Sidney Crosby's swollen labia (HT to Rivells).

"People kept throwing hats," Crosby said. "And I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop."

Come on Crosby. Grow some fucking balls and shut the fuck up. Crosby did have a hat trick himself but seemed to be bothered by Ovechkin stealing his thunder and/or panties.

With the Caps up 2-0 in the series you would think they are in relative control but if you know anything about Washington hockey playoff history and I'm sure you don't they are known for blowing 2-0 leads. In a series with three of the best players in the game (Evgeni Malkin the other) expect the Penguins to bounce back in game 3 back in Pittsburgh.

Monday, May 04, 2009

DENISE RICHARDS SINGS AS WELL AS SHE ACTS


Unfortunately for Cubs fans they not only had to sit through this garbage from Richards but also never got the opportunity to see her wonderful fun bags. Her croaking "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" broke windows no doubt. Seriously, why the fuck is Denise Richards singing at Wrigley? I presume she is not a Cubs fan or even a baseball fan for that matter. Dumb chicks like her think catcher's mitts are slang for their privates. Her mitt has been beaten by every director west of the Mississippi and still she can't get roles. But yeah, she can get a singing engagement for the 35,000 plus drunks in Wrigley. Only in America.

RICKY HATTON DEMOLISHED BY PACQUIAO


I don't think Ricky Hatton has ever taken on the concept of defensive boxing. Pac Man absolutely destroyed Hatton with his speed and power, especially with his right hook. Pacquiao is a great boxer and Hatton is garbage. Hatton has no business fighting anybody with any sort of belt that is recognized in the States. Hopefully this will set up a fight between Pacquiao and Mayweather in the near future. Mayweather has come out of retirement and will seek to reclaim "the best pound for pound boxer" title he has lost to the Pac Man since he last fought in 2007 when he too knocked out Hatton.

It would be a hell of a fight. Right now I would put my money on Pacquiao over the boisterous Mayweather.

YOUR MONDAY MORNING WAKE UP SONG

Friday, May 01, 2009

TOM BRADY IS ONE LUCKY DUDE


Man, I wish I could see a picture of my wife being groped by naked muscular black men. Tom Brady has to be the luckiest guy in the world today. I can only imagine what his teammates are going to say to him in the locker room. Randy Moss is going to be all over Giselle.

I can see Tom Brady right now. Giving his little temper tantrum face and crying into Bill Belichick's hoodie. "She told me she only had eyes for me!" I think the percentage is pretty high that Giselle at the very least nailed one of those black dudes. I'm going to say two. And don't give me the shit about her being a model and it's artistic garbage. She nailed them and now Tom Brady will have to face this picture when Moss tapes it up on his locker come two-a-days.

Haha..."come two-a-days"...that's what Giselle said.


Image HT: The Arab Aquarius