Tuesday, December 29, 2009

PAM WARD HAS A HEART OF GOLD



Awful Announcing has this video from the Little Caesar's Bowl (PIZZA PIZZA!!!) of one of the worst announcers to ever speak into a mic in ESPN's Pam Ward basically telling Marshall's Vinny Curry to stop being a pussy and get off the field. How does this butch have a job at ESPN? She is fucking terrible. I'm not even being sexist here, Pam Ward is a disgrace to sports announcing. She doesn't know the players and she has little knowledge of the actual game of football. And yet ESPN continues to mock their audience by putting her on air. I could understand if they want her on the WNBA games or Spelling Bees or whatever fucking show nobody watches but please stop putting her on college football games. It's almost as embarrassing as the whole college football bowl system.

Go to your room Pam Ward.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

WTF HAPPENED TO THE REDSKINS?



Seriously, this might be one of the dumbest play calls I have ever seen. I didn't watch the game last night because I was too busy watching one of the shittiest movies I have ever seen called "The Happening" by M. Night Never Going to Make a Movie Worth a Shit Lamadamadingdong. The only reason I looked the play up was because they were mentioning it today on sports talk radio. Has head coach Jim Zorn just mailed it in or what? I feel bad for the punter, Hunter Smith, because you know you are going to get absolutely killed. Washington PD should charge Zorn with involuntary manslaughter for calling this bullshit.

I think a "Deadskins" shirt is in order soon. Growing up the Redskins were in the upper echelon of NFL franchises but have disappeared much like the Raiders. It's sad because the Redskins have a passionate fanbase who deserve better.

I GOT A NEW WISH ON MY CHRISTMAS LIST: FIRE FRANK WREN


Joel Sherman of the NY Post confirms this deal between the Atlanta Braves and the New York Yankees via his Twitter account:

so the trade is vazquez and boone logan to #Yankees for melky cabrera, mike dunn and arodys vizcaino, that is now confirmed by Post


Fuck you Frank Wren! Seriously, you just traded your best pitcher in Javier Vasquez (Vasquez could have won 23 games easily last year if the Braves had any offense) for Melky Cabrera and 2 guys I have never heard of. Cabrera blows. If you are going to trade for a hitter why not try to get Nick Swisher Wren? Holy shit this trade is beyond dumb.

The Braves have been trying to unload starting pitcher Derek Lowe this offseason because of his ridiculous contract that Wren gave him last year ($60 mil for 4 years at the age of 36) and instead of getting rid of that albatross they trade a guy who finished 4th in the Cy Young voting to the mother fucking Yankees! Jesus Christ, what does it take to be a GM today? An ability to scratch your ass and just randomly pick up a phone and make dipshit moves? Wren is the same guy who gave Tim Hudson (whom I love by the way) a 3 year contract extension this offseason at the age of 34 coming off of Tommy John surgery. Brilliant!

The Braves need hitters in the worse way but Melky is not the answer. He is "24" years old which translates to 29/30 in real years and is overweight and overrated. The Braves, I mean Wren, better have something in the works because this trade just made you significantly worse while it gave the Yankees another solid starter and made the defending champions a better ball club today.

Free agent OFers Matt Holliday and Jason Bay are still out there Wren and all they will cost you is money. You better sign one of them or I will be at Turner Field with pitchfork and torch blazing ready to kick your sorry ass out of Atlanta. Do us all a favor and just go away. Now.

Meanwhile the Braves front office is rejoicing today. Take a look...

Monday, December 21, 2009

USC PARTY BROKEN UP, NCAA INVESTIGATING



Those poor saps of USC, when will they ever learn? First you had the cheating scandal of Reggie Bush and now Joe McKnight and then today they have big floppies coming out of their drug houses. Sad. Pathetic. Cheat On!

Friday, December 18, 2009

DALLAS COWBOYS FANS LOVE THEIR FOOTBALL...AND NACHOS



Just another one of those die hard Cowboy fans who can't break away from the exciting entertainment that is December losing. It's an annual tradition with Tony Romo at QB. You know it's been over 4700 days since the Cowboys last celebrated a playoff victory? Clearly this guy was trying to honor the occasion by finishing off his nachos on top of a trash can. Keepin' it classy with the spilled beer on the floor too.

Video HT: HotClicks

LEBRON JAMES TEABAGS THE ANSWER



BARENUCKS.COM has this playfully gay video of Lebron James giving Allen Iverson a whole bunch of his junk for everyone to see on the jumbotron. By gay I mean happy. Who wouldn't want some guys sweaty balls in their face while they are stretching before a pointless NBA game? Not this guy.

SPORTSCRACK.COM BOWL PICK EM CONTEST



I know I am late with getting this out but I just set up the 2nd annual SportsCrack.com Bowl Pick Em Contest. As always it's free to play and with the bowl games starting tomorrow you need to get in your picks asap. I know, it's my fault. Laziness is a disease you know?

If you played the regular season Pick Em Contest you should be receiving an email today on how to join the league. If not go to funofficepools.com and join this league: Sportscrack Bowl Pick Em Contest There is no password so don't you worry about it.

Good luck and email me if you have any questions!

Matt Fairchild
matt@sportscrack.com

Thursday, December 17, 2009

CHRISTMAS IS 9 DAYS AWAY



You still have time to get the perfect present in time for Christmas. Sorry, Denise Milani is not available. But what is available are some great SportsCrack Tees that make people stop and notice and ask "Where did you get that shirt?"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

BOBBY BOTTLESERVICE (NICK KROLL) AUDITIONS FOR JERSEY SHORE



I think I'm in love with this guy. Nick Kroll is hilarious as Ruxin on "The League" and knocks it out with the Jersey guy audition. How is this guy not in movies yet? Just make him the sidekick in a new comedy flick and I guarantee he will steal the movie. Do it Hollywood. Put down the blow and get it fucking done. Nick Kroll for big budget mainstream movies.

TIGER WOODS SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT

This video is NSFW. Shit, this whole blog is NSFW but you still come back during work hours don't ya? Sinners all of ya! Check it out...



"I'm Tiger Woods...sometimes I just go to Big Lots, pick up the biggest girl I can find, get her to call a dog the N word before I cu..." haha...I mean wow, that's bad.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

JOHN WALL DUNKS OVER INDIANA



The Big Lead has video of John Wall dunking over Indiana with his left. So far Wall is living up to the enormous hype he had coming out of high school. This kid could definitely lead first year coach John Calipari and Kentucky to a National Championship with his one and done year. Of course Kansas fans laugh at this thought and for good reason since they are the deepest and most talented team in the country right now. That would be a hell of a final game: UK vs KU: Clash of the Diaper Dandies!

NDAMUKONG SUH FOR HEISMAN


Hands down the most dominant and most outstanding player in college football this year was Nebraska defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh. A lot of people want to talk about Texas Colt McCoy, Stanford's Toby Gerhart, and Alabama's Mark Ingram for good reasons but when you look at the complete season you can not argue who was the most outstanding in every single game he played. Suh aka House Of Spears was so dominant that FanIQ took a look at his defensive stats this year and compared it to the top defensive line units for Texas, Florida and Alabama combined.

Alabama D-Line
98 Tkl, 23.5 TFL, 9.5 Sk, 20 QBH, 5 PBU, 0 Int, 1 FF, 3 Blk

Florida D-Line
112 Tkl, 33 TFL, 14 Sk, 48 QBH, 5 PBU, 0 Int, 1 FF, 0 Blk

Texas D-Line
116 Tkl, 25.5 TFL, 15.5 Sk, 10 QBH, 7 PBU, 0 Int, 2 FF, 0 Blk

Ndamukong Suh
82 Tkl, 23 TFL, 12 Sk, 24 QBH, 10 PBU, 1 Int, 1 FF, 3 Blk


Suh as an individual almost matches those entire team's defensive line units in terms of stats. Simply putting it he can't be stopped and he alone deserves to win the Heisman Trophy tonight.



SPORTSCRACK'S FINAL HEISMAN BALLOT
1-NDAMUKONG SUH
2-GOLDEN TATE
3-TOBY GERHART
4-MARK INGRAM
5-CJ SPILLER


Who do I think they will get the "Hypes"man tonight? Colt McCoy even though he isn't a top 5 QB in college football. If anybody wins it other than Suh it would be a damn shame.

Friday, December 11, 2009

THE GREAT WALL 11 SHIRT



The Great Wall has stormed into the college hoops scene and taken over as a true freshman. You've seen him take over games on ESPN and he has already become a legend in Lexington so we figured he was owed a shirt in his honor. On the front of the shirt it says "The Great Wall". On the back it says "Balls to the Wall" with the number 11 underneath it.

Be sure to grab these up quickly. Makes a great Christmas present for your favorite hoops fanatic.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

KELLY'S HEROES SHIRTS NOW AVAILABLE IN NAVY AND IRISH GREEN




Shipping will start next week and they should get to you in plenty of time for Christmas. Order yours now since we will be doing a limited run of these before the 2010 season starts. Email me if you are interested in hoodies.

Go Irish!

PORN STAR HOLLY SAMPSON: I F-ED TIGER WOODS!

Fast forward to the 1:20 mark of the video...


I'm starting to believe that Tiger Woods has pretty much dipped his wood into every single breathing woman on the face of the earth. My wife is now avoiding me. Porn star, which translates to any person who bangs on camera and gets paid because let's be honest they aren't exactly stars, Holly Sampson revealed on May 26th that among the actual celebrities she has banged includes none other than Kevin Costner, Steven Dorff, and our favorite degenerate Tiger. This has now gone beyond Kobe Bryant status for Tiger. His marriage has to be over. No self respecting woman would put up with this much "transgressions" unless her name was Hillary.

Video HT: WWTDD via SportsByBrooks

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS FANS ARE BORDERLINE RETARDED

But I think they are growing on me. Who the hell would bet their buddies on a Saints/Redskins game that if the Saints won they could shoot his 60 inch tv? Well, take a look at rednecks gone wild...



Can someone please explain what "Who dey!" means in the comment section. I'm too lazy and educated to go look it up on that there interweb. I'm pretty sure those were assault rifles they were using. Good to know Bambi doesn't have a chance in the Bayou.

LEAKED TIGER WOODS MISTRESS SEX TAPE



I always knew the fist pump had some sexual innuendo.

VIDEO HT: Dan

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: ELIN NORDEGREN CATCHES TIGER WOODS CHEATING



You know this is exactly how I thought it went down. Elin puts on a little weight, skin starts to darken a bit losing her Swedish appeal and it forces Tiger to be a chubby chaser. Elin could put up with the good looking NY club girls and Las Vegas strippers but she isn't about to get beat out by a whale. Good for her!

Video HT: TAUNTR.COM

THE CHARLIE WEIS RELIEF FUND

This was just too funny not to post...


Video HT: HotClicks

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

GOOD BYE DOUCHEBAG



Gammons is leaving ESPN to pursue other things like sucking off Derek Jeter while he fondles Dustin Pedroia's balls according to the StarTribune.com...

Said Norby Williamson, ESPN executive vice president, production: "As a print journalist moving to television, Peter was a pioneer who became a Hall of Famer. His contributions to ESPN will never be forgotten. We're sad to see Peter go, but understand his desire for new challenges and a less demanding schedule."

Said Gammons: “My decision to leave ESPN and move on at this point in my life has been conflicted. I owe a great deal of my professional life to ESPN, having spent more than half of my 40 years in journalism working for the network, and the choice to move on was made with nothing but the strongest feelings for the people with whom I worked. ESPN gave me a great deal more than I gave it, and will always be a huge part of who I am."


Good riddance. Now maybe I will start watching ESPN's baseball coverage again. Nah. Why Gammons is a Hall of Famer blows my mind! The guy hasn't had a major scoop in the last 20 years yet everyone listens to his opinion like it actually means something. His analysis and predictions are so fucking bad you would think somebody would call him out for the stuttering, spitting idiot he has always been. He once said Bobby fucking Crosby would be the MVP. He told us that Kelly Johnson is going to be the next great Braves hitter. He never broke a steroid story in baseball because he had his head to far up Roger Clemen's ass to actually smell the dripping leakage of cheating.

I don't get why this guy was ever loved by people. He sucked at his job. If only all of us could be so lucky to go lick the player's association manbags for 20 years and not break anything actually factual or without bias and get paid to do it. Only in America can a guy like Gammons exist.

Be sure to leave your number on Andy Pettitte's nightstand before you leave Gammons. I wouldn't expect anything less.

WELCOME TO NOTRE DAME BRIAN KELLY!


Brian Kelly, who in 3 seasons at Cincinnati has led the Bearcats to a record of 34-6 with two BCS game berths (despite Cincy only have one 10 win season in their history before Kelly's arrival), will be the new head coach at the University of Notre Dame. The announcement is expected to come as soon as Wednesday or perhaps Thursday of this week after Kelly tells his Bearcat players he is leaving for Notre Dame.

First off this is a tremendous hire. Kelly is a proven winner who has over 19 years of head coaching experience at the collegiate level. In all 3 of his previous stops before Notre Dame he has made perennial losing programs into winners. Starting off with Grand Valley State in 1991, he took a little known collegiate II program and made them National Champs twice while being named the AFCA Division II Coach of the Year in 2002 and 2003. In his 13 seasons at Grand Valley State he led them to an overall record of 118-35-2 and his offenses scored regularly over 50 points a game.

He left to accept the Central Michigan head coaching job in 2004 and quickly turned around a program that had only won more than 3 games once in the previous 4 seasons before Kelly arrived. In 2006 he led the Chippawas to 9-4 record including a MAC Championship and a Motor City Bowl invite. He did not coach in the bowl game because he accepted the Cincinnati job.

And all he has done at Cincinnati is win and win big. His defenses are routinely ranked in the top 25 in scoring defense and sacks while his offenses are ranked in the top 10. This despite having limited talent (the highest rank recruiting class for Cincy is around the 60's in the nation) Kelly knows how to get the most out of his players. Currently Cincinnati is 12-0 with their second Big East Championship in a row and are 1 second away from playing Alabama for the BCS Championship. Simply putting it the guy has a resume that only Urban Meyer can compare it with when he left Utah for Florida 5 years ago. Kelly is a winner.

With the losses of Golden Tate and Jimmy Clausen early to the NFL Kelly will have his work cut out for him. Backup QB Dayne Crist is coming off ACL surgery and is expected to miss most if not all of spring practice. Two incoming freshmen, Andrew Hendrix and Tommy Rees, are expected to compete for significant playing time if Crist is not ready to go. FWIW Crist is another 5 star prep QB who has drawn favorable comparisons to Brady Quinn in his size, mobility, and arm strength. Kelly will have a slew of talented backs and wide receivers to work with in South Bend and he is known to be able to plug in and move guys around with no drop off at all in production when it comes to his offense. Take for instance in 2008 when Kelly was forced to use 5 different QB's because of injuries and yet still the Bearcats ranked 24th nationally in QB efficiency while leading them to a school record 11 wins. His defense was also strong leading the Big East in sacks and tackles for loss and his special teams were strong in both net punting and kickoff returns.

Kelly gets the most out of what he is given and there is no reason to believe he can't
do this at Notre Dame. The athletes and talent that Notre Dame has recruited in the last 5 seasons because of Charlie Weis and his staff dwarfs the 2 and 3 star players he could get at Cincinnati.

Today's meeting with Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick in New York City was just a formality. Kelly has the job. I don't have all the details on the contract but my source tells me at a minimum it will be a 5 year contract with plenty of incentive bonuses including bowl victories, graduation rates, BCS berths, etc. that will inflate the contract into the top 5 amongst FBS college head coaching positions.

Kelly is now expected to recruit for Notre Dame and has been given the option to coach Cincinnati in the Sugar Bowl against Florida. I have my doubts about him ever stepping foot in New Orleans but that remains to be seen.

I believe this is a homerun hire for Notre Dame and Swarbrick. They weren't going to ever convince the Urban Meyers, Bob Stoops, or Nick Sabans of the collegiate world to leave their jobs to make a lateral and some would call downsize move to South Bend. Kelly is the next best option and I believe was easily the most logical choice to lead Notre Dame starting now. Weis failed as a head coach at Notre Dame thanks to a horrible defense and some questionable game management but Kelly has the experience and the track record of building up teams into proven winners on the football field. All he does is win and win big consistently and Notre Dame hasn't experienced it in over 15 years. Expect that to change quickly and Notre Dame to once again return to the peak of the college football landscape.


The Kelly hire gets an overwhelming Sportscrack stamp of approval! Go Irish!

Monday, December 07, 2009

I LIKE GRAPHS

Thank you EDSBS, you guys rock...

TIGER WOODS IS DOING GREAT



I fucking knew it. Elin is the reason why his dick keeps falling out of his pants into some cocktail waitresses hand. Those Swedes can be so ruthless. Poor Tiger.

GOLDEN TATE DECLARES FOR NFL DRAFT

(Fast forward to the 1:50 portion of the video)


Easily one of my favorite Notre Dame players of all time, it's going to be tough saying goodbye to Golden Tate. I feel like Tim Tebow on the sidelines at the end of the SEC Championship. Sad. Golden is one of the greatest football players to ever put on the pads in Notre Dame Stadium. He broke all kinds of records this season and brought back memories of Tim Brown and Rocket Ismail with his electricity and his ability to always make the big play. I'm honored to have witnessed his last collegiate game at Stanford. He always gave it his all and if the Irish would have won a few more games we would be talking about him winning the Heisman Trophy. Golden is going to be a great pro. Mark it down. He is a mixture of Hines Ward and Steve Smith from the Carolina Panthers. Simply he is a playmaker who should excel on Sundays. I have my fingers crossed for the Atlanta Falcons to draft him.

Thanks for the memories Golden. You are a warrior on the field and you will be missed.

AND TO THINK WE ALL THOUGHT SHE WAS CRAZY

WE BOWLING BABY!!!!!!! WE BOWLING BABY!!!!! WHOOOHHHH....OOOOWWWWW!!!!




And by the way, expect me to act the same way when Notre Dame hires Brian Kelly. In fact I might just have to camp out at South Bend Airport come tomorrow.

JIMMY CLAUSEN GOING PRO, SET TO ANNOUNCE IN CANTON



Following his announcement of his commitment 4 years ago to the University of Notre Dame at the College Football Hall of Fame, Sportscrack has learned exclusively that QB Jimmy Clausen will declare for the NFL today at the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio. Jimmy followed in the great steps his brothers laid down in college by not winning many games in college. Of course one should blame the defense at Notre Dame for the 6 losses this season and not Jimmy who was nothing less than spectacular all season. Jimmy finished with 3722 yards passing with 28 TDs and only 4 INTs in 12 games and a completion percentage of 68%. He will go on to make millions upon millions in the NFL on a horrible franchise because in all likelihood he will be drafted in the top 10 in the NFL's April Draft.

Personally I have mixed feelings in regards to Clausen leaving and his place in history at Notre Dame. We all know he was one of the most hyped prep quarterbacks to come into the college game. Some people called him the "Lebron James of football" whether it was fair or not. After watching him play for 3 seasons I can safely say he lived up to the hype. His accuracy was deadly and in every game minus the Nevada and Washington State games he needed to be nearly perfect just to keep Notre Dame in the games and he rose up each time. It was never his fault the running game was pretty much nonexistent during Charlie Weis's tenure or the defense couldn't tackle or prevent freshman quarterbacks from tearing them up. It's surreal to see him leave with a 16-21 record while wearing the blue and gold during his 3 seasons. His record in high school was undefeated but in college all he knew was defeats.

I can't blame him for leaving early. He is ready for the NFL. True he could be a little bigger and a little more nimble (part of that is to do with the turf toe he played with all season) but the guy has the arm, accuracy and the smarts to be a successful NFL quarterback for a long time. Hopefully when he declares for the NFL he doesn't make wild proclamations of championships and MVP's are for him only. If anything playing at Notre Dame should humble you. God knows the last 3 seasons of Jimmy ball have been nothing but humbling. It would have been nice to see him play in one more game but the Notre Dame players decided to skip their bowl game once Weis was fired. Why I have no idea. You have to wonder how much Jimmy's influence had as a captain on deciding not to play one more game in his college career and go out a winner instead of a 4 game winning streak. He came in with his head high (lots of gel) and leaves with a black eye (literally). This is how I will remember Jimmy's legacy at Notre Dame.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

BEAT TEXAS! BEVO IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER SHIRT



Bama is going for lucky number 13th Championship in Pasadena California. On the menu is Bevo. Show your Crimson pride with this great shirt from Sportscrack Tees. Beat Texas! will get people talking and noticing your Saban-loving ass.

BUCK YOU DUCKS! 2010 ROSE BOWL SHIRT



You asked for it Ohio State fans and here we deliver it for ya. BUCK YOU DUCKS! shirt will make a great Christmas present for any Buckeyes fan. Order it today. Shipping starts in a couple of days and we have a limited edition of these kickass tees.

Of course these are 100% non-licensed t-shirts.

TIM TEBOW CRIES LIKE A CHAMPION



I'm not here to make fun of Tim Tebow. Hell, if I was 22 years old and had a Heisman Trophy, two National Titles and two SEC Championship rings in my possession I could probably do whatever the hell I wanted to do including crying. We all know why he has tears flowing right? It isn't the fact that they lost to Alabama and thus blew a chance to go play for a National Title again. It's the fact he is still a virgin while attending a school full of hot coeds. The kid is so backed up he has semen flowing from his eyes. Poor guy.

Friday, December 04, 2009

BRAYLON EDWARDS HAS HANDS OF STONE



WTF happened to Braylon Edwards? He was a Pro Bowl wide receiver there for a while in Cleveland until he started dropping passes. Now with the New York Jets he still sucks. Seriously, how the hell do you drop this pass and not get cut the next day?

Thursday, December 03, 2009

FINALLY A RACHEL BILSON SEX SCENE

Ever since Rachel Bilson busted on to "the OC" or "OC" or whatever the fuck you want to call it I have been waiting on pins and needles for her to do a completely nude sex scene. Finally my dream has come true. Check out this steamy scene from her new movie called "Hearts of Palm"....



I can dig the little boobs and the 70's style pubic hair that goes all the way up to the bottom of her throat. Just lay it all out there girl.

ANOTHER ONE OF TIGER'S MISTRESS PROTECTION PROGRAM: KALIKA MOQUIN



TMZ.COM reports her name is Kalika Moquin and shockingly she isn't black. Kalika sounds about as black as Detroit. Apparently they met in Las Vegas and then here comes the complete bullshit to make her sound as if she is the victim of Tiger's raging man member...

We're told Kalika Moquin met Tiger in 2006 at Light Nightclub in Las Vegas -- and although she hung out with him all night, she had no clue she was out clubbin' with one of the richest, most recognizable athletes on the planet.


She didn't recognize who Tiger was? Get the fuck out of here! Let me guess, she also had no idea Vegas had casinos filled with hookers and blow. Just another notch in the Tiger belt I guess.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I'M BACK


The hiatus is over and now it is time to get back to business. Or as Tiger Woods would say, "I want prenup!" So much has happened in the sports world since Thanksgiving. I got the chance to shake Charlie Weis hand as he left Stanford Stadium and told him thanks for all the effort. Notre Dame shit the tank in November, again, and Weis is now gone with a whole bunch of coaches already auditioning their denials in interest in taking the best job opening in college football. It will come down to Bob Stoops or Brian Kelly. Either way I will be extremely happy. Stoops has the offer on the table. If he doesn't take it this week then Kelly will next week. Notre Dame will be a much better all-around team in 2010 with Kelly at the helm.

Tiger Woods saw his reputation go to shit as females galore came out of the witness mistress protection program. His wife Elin decided his clubbing in Las Vegas and other places with other women was not on her hot nanny list for hunny do list and decided to take her own club to the back of his Escalade. I'm pretty sure she beats the shit out of him. This whole Tiger cheating thing was obvious before all the shit hit the fan. Rich athletes cheat on their wives. It's a fact of life. They have women throwing themselves at them constantly on the road. It's called "road beef" and every single athlete who has a pulse caves and I'm not about to say Tiger is an asshole for cheating on his wife. But he is an asshole for getting married in the first place. He should have done the Derek Jeter/George Clooney and gone out and banged as much ass and then settle down when your dick is as dead as a Pete Carroll hooker. This all just proves that Tiger is indeed human and he fucks up like all of us. If anybody is an asshole in this whole situation it is Jesper Parnevik. He had Elin as his nanny for his kids before introducing her to Tiger and now he says this shit...

Parnevik said Woods, "should think a little bit more before you do stuff,'' adding, "and maybe not just do it, like Nike says.

"I feel ... sorry for Elin, since me and my wife are at fault, hooking her up with him. We probably thought he was a better guy than he is.''


Parnevik sounds like some douchebag politician who secretly fondles little boys while saying gay marriage is the devil's work. I really can't wait till TMZ busts Parnevik with infidelity. You know that no talent assclown dresser has banged his fair share of toothless hags while on the road.

The SEC Championship is this weekend along with the Big 12 Championship. I have my fingers crossed with Nebraska pulling the upset over Texas. It's not because I hate Texas. In fact I kind of like Texas and Mack Brown. It's because I want to see TCU get into the BCS Title game. I believe they could hang with Alabama or Florida and bring an even bigger case that teams not in the BCS Conferences can compete with the big boys. Plus we need a fucking playoff so this would only help the case.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I'm thankful for family and friends and all the loyal readers/pimps who actually read this blog without killing themselves. You should be rewarded for such dedication. Most of all I'm thankful this man is finally in jail yet he still remains the face of USC Football...



The blog will be taking a hiatus for a few days as I travel to San Francisco with my wonderful wife to take in Charlie Weis's farewell game in Stanford. (leave jokes in comment section)

Make sure you get stuffed today with some good food and "friends"...



And most importantly don't forget to bast the turkey....


GOBBLE GOBBLE PICTURES COURTESTY OF HOLY TACO

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

THIS KID COULD START FOR NOTRE DAME RIGHT NOW



Seriously. Besides Manti Te'o their other linebackers have looked average at best. This kid could compete.

BRADY QUINN IS DATING OLYMPIC GYMNAST ALICIA SACRAMONE







Gee, I wonder why?

MATTHEW STAFFORD IS NOW A MAN...MAN...MANLY MAN



You can pretty much put anything with South Park music and I will post it. This could have been highlights of Adam Lambert sucking off some guy and as long as it had this badass song to it you can pretty much guarantee your sweet ass I'm posting it.

Via WithLeather

PETA CAN LICK MY BALLS


If you though PETA pissed you off before well then listen to this bullshit they are suggesting to Georgia Bulldogs athletic director Damon Evans...

People for Ethical Treatment of Animals has a suggestion for the University of Georgia, which is looking for a replacement for Uga VII, the Georgia Bulldog mascot who died last Thursday in Savannah:

PETA says the University should use what it calls an “animatronic dog,” or use a person in a costume. PETA has sent its suggestion via e-mail to University of Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans. The PETA e-mail follows…

In the wake of the untimely death of the University of Georgia’s (UGA) bulldog mascot, Uga VII, PETA has asked the school’s athletic director, Damon M. Evans, to replace the mascot with an animatronic dog–or to rely solely on a costumed mascot–instead of using another real bulldog. Bulldogs are prone to breathing difficulties, hip dysplasia, heart disorders, and other congenital ailments, and acquiring a dog from a breeder perpetuates the animal overpopulation crisis while causing another dog waiting in an animal shelter to be condemned to death.




Replace UGA with a robotic dog? Are you fucking kidding me? What do these people smoke? I really wish we could lock up those crazy PETA bastards and feed them to Michael Vick's pitbulls.

BREAKING NEWS: JIMMY CLAUSEN PUTS ANOTHER BLACK EYE ON THE NOTRE DAME PROGRAM


No it's not breaking news and no he isn't literally putting a black eye on the Notre Dame football program. I just wanted to write the headline for shits and giggles. I actually feel bad for Jimmy Clausen. People shit on him for the way he committed to Notre Dame at the College Football Hall of Fame but ever since then he has gone out of his way to prove he is worth the hype. The only person who didn't live up to their enormous overrated hype was Charlie Weis. It baffles me with the amount of elite talent that Notre Dame possesses on the offensive side of the ball that the Fighting Irish rank 45th in scoring offense. Absolutely fucking ridiculous. Clausen has had a Heisman like year in terms of stats and comeback wins and yet if he loses this week at Stanford he will have a 16-18 record at Notre Dame as the starting quarterback. And to think Charlie Weis thinks Jimmy "may be the greatest player in Notre Dame history" according to John Walters and you can see why Weis is mostly talk with little substance. It wasn't Jimmy's fault that Weis made all these promises and didn't deliver. Maybe the fan was just sending a message to Weis through Clausen. Shameful to say the least. I'm going to be in Stanford this Saturday for the game. I will be cheering my ass off one final time for head coach Charlie Weis and the boys like I always do but I can honestly say that I can not wait to see Weis and Clausen in the NFL next year. It's time for their era to end and a new coach with a plan to bring optimism back into the program.

BRETT FAVRE LOVES HIS TINY WRANGLER JEANS



It takes balls of steel to wear tiny jeans like Brett Favre does. That is why he is a Hall of Famer and we are just witnesses.

Monday, November 23, 2009

URBAN MEYER NOT COMING TO NOTRE DAME...FOR NOW


For the delusional fans like myself who think Urban Meyer might leave Florida and return to Notre Dame to help them return to respectability, well, sorry, Urban stomped and crapped on that scenario today...

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- Florida coach Urban Meyer says he plans to coach the Gators "as long as they'll have me."

With rumors swirling about Charlie Weis' future at Notre Dame, Meyer squashed any potential speculation about leaving Gainesville for South Bend.

Meyer's news conference Monday was his most emotional in five seasons at Florida, with the coach having to pause and compose himself several times while talking about quarterback Tim Tebow and other seniors' final home game Saturday against rival Florida State.

Meyer also said he believes Tebow could coach Florida down the road.



I've contacted a few of my ND contacts, so called "insiders" you could say whose family members have buildings named after them on Notre Dame campus and whom had some direct knowledge when Charlie Weis was hired and when his contract was renegotiated in 2005. They have absolutely no idea what is going on right now with the coaching search. ND Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick is keeping everything to himself right now. He isn't leaking shit. So anybody other than Swarbrick that goes on a message board or proclaims they know who the next coach is going to be is full of shit. Only Swarbrick knows which coaches he is going to contact and try to bring in and right now he will not let it become a media fiasco like former AD/dipshit Kevin White did with the Ty Willingham hire and fire.

Listen, I want Urban Meyer as much as anybody. He is the perfect coach for Notre Dame. He is a proven winner but he isn't coming right now. He has it made in Gainesville and his family is extremely comfortable there. Would you want to leave Florida right now on the verge of competing for a third National Title in 4 years to go to Northern Indiana? I didn't think so.

If I had to place my money on a guy who will get the job it is Brian Kelly. Kelly is interested and don't believe all the BS about past transgressions that won't let him get the offer at a school like Notre Dame. Hopefully Swarbrick gets him signed and delivered by the middle of next week. But then again the only person who really knows who the best pick for head football coach at Notre Dame is Swarbrick.

Friday, November 20, 2009

ANOTHER REASON TO FEEL BAD FOR DEREK JETER: MINKA KELLY



Seriously, I feel bad for the guy. First he has to deal with winning his 5th World Series ring and now he has to lay out in the sun with his girlfriend Minka Kelly ("Friday Night Lights" actress) while vacationing in St. Barts. Tough life for Jeter. I feel for him.

/wipes tears away with old Baltimore Orioles hat

CARMEN ELECTRA WANTS YOUR ATTENTION



Granted she gets the attention all the time but why no nudity Carmen? She has already done Playboy. This PR video should help put her back into shitty Hollywood films. She should just go full out and start doing porn and stop wasting our time.

STONERS UNITE: THE FREAK WINS ANOTHER CY YOUNG


And who said marijuana was a gateway drug? Gateway to back-to-back Cy Youngs, money out of your ass, and your pick of any female fan you want a night with sounds like a hell of a drug to me. Congratulations go out to Tim "The Freak" Lincecum for winning yet another Cy Young. He deserved it. And to think the Baltimore Orioles passed on him in the 2006 MLB Draft because they had questions about his size and work ethic for fucking Billy Rowell whom has proved to be nothing more than a lazy pothead of wasted baseball talent. Brilliant move by the front office there.

RIP UGA VII



At the ripe age of 4 years old UGA VII went down with a heart attack yesterday. The famous English bulldog might be laid to rest tomorrow during the Kentucky game. Let's hope for Georgia's sake Willie Martinez joins UGA in not roaming the sidelines anymore. At least UGA could lick his balls correctly.

RIP UGA VII.

Also our condolences go out to Chris Spielman and his family and friends. Yesterday his wife Stefanie lost her long battle with breast cancer. If you feel like contributing to her fund please click here which goes straight to breast cancer research. Hopefully someday we can beat this awful disease and any little contribution can help. RIP Stefanie, you will not be forgotten.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

ERIN DREWES SHOWS OFF HER GATOR PRIDE


TOTALPROSPORTS has pictures of Florida Gators alum Erin Drewes (aka Tebow internet girl) whose picture with Tebow exploded all over the internet. She was presumably his girlfriend but that was never the case according to Erin...

We are acquaintances through mutual friends and we would see each other here and there. We were standing together talking at a party at U of F and that’s when the now-infamous picture was taken. I was never dating Tim Tebow, nor was I ever his girlfriend! I’m convinced the picture must have been photoshopped—my breasts certainly are not that big!


Don't you worry about that Erin, we will be the judge of that.



Wednesday, November 18, 2009

BETWEEN TWO FERNS WITH ZACH GALIFIANAKIS



"Does anyone ever tell you, you seem like you are the black Byron Allen?"

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

TERRY BRADSHAW KNOWS HIS FOOTBALL



Extra Mustard points out this video from Sunday of FOX blowhard Terry Bradshaw making one of his useless predictions while everybody laughs for no apparent reason. Seriously, how do people watch these pregame shows? It's like trying to watch Dane Cook attempting to be funny. Fucking brutal. But not nearly as brutal as that shitfest called Monday Night Football last night. That was some of the worst NFL football I have ever seen. The Cleveland Browns should just move again. That franchise is so ass backwards it's not even funny anymore. Eric Mangini is a fucking moron. You want to know why their offense can't score it's not just on the QB (although I will admit Brady Quinn looked pretty bad last night) it's because you don't stick with one guy. You have Cribbs lining up at QB. You have all these bullshit motions trying to fool the defense. You really think you are going to fool a defense led by Ray Lewis? GTF out of here. The Ravens looked like complete shit too. I thought before the season started that they had a legit shot of going to the Super Bowl. They look horrible right now and beating Cleveland doesn't put roses on their pooh pooh performance.

From watching Notre Dame tank another season to seeing Michael Turner go down with a high ankle strain and Matty Ice throw yet another crucial INT to the Ravens looking like the Bengal's bitches it has been a tough football season for myself. If you would have told me Notre Dame, the Atlanta Falcons and the Baltimore Ravens would all have mediocre to bad seasons before the season started I would have called you Terry Bradshaw. Fuck it. At least the Atlanta Hawks and Thrashers are playing inspired ball/puck.

Monday, November 16, 2009

COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S MOST ELECTRIFYING PLAYER: GOLDEN TATE



My mancrush for Golden grows every time he touches the ball. Notre Dame hasn't had a player with his speed and balance since Rocket was torching defenses. Golden will be missed big time when he leaves early for the NFL Draft. Whoever gets him is getting the next Steve Smith/Hines Ward. He would look great in an Atlanta Falcons uniform.

HAVE YOU SEEN SARAH JESSICA PARKER'S NEW FLICK?



I'm sorry but she is just not aging well at all. Look at those fucking hands. Creepy ya know.

YOU CAN CROSS JON GRUDEN OFF THE ND LIST


FROM THE BIG LEAD
comes this statement from ESPN PR:

“Jon Gruden has agreed to an exclusive multi-year agreement with the company. In addition to his MNF role alongside play-by-play commentator Mike Tirico and analyst Ron Jaworski, Gruden will appear on ESPN’s NFL Draft and Super Bowl week coverage, among other platforms, and he will call the 2010 NFL Pro Bowl in South Florida on January 31, 2010. Gruden will serve as an analyst for ESPN Radio’s 2010 Rose Bowl and BCS title game broadcasts.”


Honestly I'm kind of happy this happened now. I'm not convinced Gruden would be a great college coach. What this should tell Notre Dame athletic director Jack Swarbrick is he needs to make a move immediately. Everyone knows that Charlie Weis days at Notre Dame are over. Why leave it up in the air? If I were him I would fire him immediately and start looking for a new coach. Make Corwin Brown the interim head coach and burn up the phone lines while Notre Dame finishes the season beating UCONN then getting trounced by Stanford. Your first three calls go to Urban Meyer's agent. You see if there is any interest and you offer him the world. Highest paid salary. Bonuses galore for him and his assistants. Essentially you open a door and offer him this...

JUCO transfers are now allowed. An endless support for what Urban thinks is right including letting in some kids that wouldn't normally be allowed in. The support structure is so great at Notre Dame when it comes to academics with their student-athletes that it shouldn't be too big of a risk allowing players in who don't have the greatest GPA in the world.

If Urban refuses the job then you call Brian Kelly's agent. Offer him the same incentive package. Kelly is basically Urban Meyer 2.0. I have a hard time believing Kelly would refuse the job. But the point is you need to move fast Swarbrick. No waiting like ND did with Ty Willingham and letting him finish the season before looking for a new coach. You snooze you lose.

JAMAR WALL KNOCKS OUT ZAC ROBINSON



This is why your parents didn't want you to play football when you were little. Oklahoma State's QB Zac Robinson is absolutely leveled to China on this hit by Texas Tech's Jamar Wall. The result: a fumble and two concussions. Vegetative state in their late 50's outlook just went up tremendously.

DAN MARINO SAYS NAUGHTY WORD



NOT QUALIFIED TO COMMENT has this excellent half time analysis video by Hall of Famer Dan Marino on CBS yesterday. He drops the S word by accident. It must have been those shitty Isotoner gloves he was trying to get off.

Friday, November 13, 2009

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND FOLKS!



Clearly I was thinking of my loyal readers when I posted this Asian bikini girl absolutely stroking the ball so I wanted to send you in this weekend with a bang. Literal. This week has been a personal roller coaster for my family since our cat went missing. Spare me the gay jokes with the cat, I'm a dog person but it doesn't mean I can't miss Wiley. Plus now I think a law firm out of Oak Brook, Illinois is trying to extort money from me. I will let you know how that goes since they obviously fucked with the wrong person. Email me if you have any questions or if you are a lawyer, would love to get some insight.

Peace!

Go Irish! Go Jackets! Go Dawgs! And most importantly: Go Beer!


Video courtesy of WithLeather

DWAYNE WADE WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW HIS NUTS TASTE

Because after this facial Cleveland's Anderson Varejao knows full well how salty they are...

STOP "BUST"ING MY BALLS



Her name is Ewa Sonnet and apparently she is some kind of model. Model is code word for hooker by the way. I'm positive each one of her boobs has it's own area code.

WET BEAVER



Video HT: HotClicks

COST OF PEST REMOVAL IS EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS



The one and only Spencer Hall from Everydayshouldbesaturday.com came up with this chart. Bravo.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

OH SHIT NOW THEY ARE MAKING EXCUSES FOR LOSING TO NAVY


Via UHND with video courtesy of IrishIllustrated

Notre Dame assistant head coach Corwin Brown meant to cause little harm with his comments in regards to Navy's head coach Ken Niumatalolo comments to the media following their win over Notre Dame but I'm afraid this is just the beginning of the end for this coaching staff. It kind of tells you how low the Notre Dame football program has gotten when they start making excuses for losing to Navy. The fact is that Navy did outscheme and out coach the Notre Dame defense. This isn't even up for discussion. The had over 400 yards of offense while rushing for over 350 yards. Their whole team is made up of players who would never have the chance to put on the pads at Notre Dame. So please Corwin, I know you are pissed because of the cut blocking and all the shit that comes with it (injuries, hurt feelings, etc.) but why didn't you have your players fight back during the game? I think one of the main reasons why Notre Dame keeps losing under Charlie Weis is they play the respect factor too much with their opponents. They talk about respecting the kids who fight for our country and blah blah blah. How about fighting for a fucking win like Navy did on Saturday?

Expect the media to have a field day with this video too. Just another feather in the cap for excuses made as to why Notre Dame can't succeed even with a roster full of talent.

REAL WOMEN OF GENIUS

In today's REAL WOMEN OF GENIUS we have Miss America's Carrie Prejean acting "inappropriately" to a pretty fair question from Larry King courtesy of Hot Clicks...

Sarah Palin is her hero? Not surprising coming from a beauty queen I suppose.

The second edition of REAL WOMEN OF GENIUS comes this fantastic reenactment of "Risky Business"...


Bravo Ladies, Bravo.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

OFFICIAL CONFESSION OF LAZINESS

Courtesy of the HolyTaco comes this list of laziness which about half I checked off on...

TONY GONZALEZ AND WIFE GO NUDE FOR PETA



Come on Tony, for PETA? It must have been the old lady's idea. No self respecting tight end would pose nude for those liberal assclowns. I don't even get the ad because the last time I saw somebody wear a fur coat was back in the 80's.

SPORTSCRACK TOP 10


Above image courtesy of HOTSECPOON.COM

1. FLORIDA GATORS-Urban Meyer's troops are getting stronger along with their defense. In handling Vandy 27-3 last week they move just a step closer to their 3rd National Title in 4 seasons.

2. TEXAS LONGHORNS-I'm convinced now that Texas is going undefeated till their bowl game which will be the BCS Championship. Colt McCoy passed for a career record of 470 yards while his roommate Jordan Shipley set a Texas record with 273 yards receiving.

3. ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE-BAMA won the SEC West and a future date with Florida in the SEC Championship game by beating LSU 24-15. If the Tide can win out against Miss State, Chattanooga, and Auburn then whoever wins the SEC Title game will play for the BCS Title. By the way, I have looked into getting tickets for the SEC Championship since it's here in Atlanta and I have yet to go to one. Tickets start at $700 a piece in a shitty economy. Looks like HDTV will be my friend that day.

4. TCU HORNED FROGS-TCU gets College Gameday this week with Utah visiting. The campus should be electric and if the Horned Frogs can win out at the minimum they should get a BCS Bowl game. If 2 of the top 3 slip up then I think TCU should be playing for a BCS Championship if they win out because I think their defense is one of the best in the nation.

5. CINCINNATI BEARCATS-Brian Kelly still has them undefeated at 9-0. He is setting himself up perfectly for another BCS Bowl game. In order to do so they must beat West Virginia this week. They should.

6. BOISE STATE BRONCOS-Still undefeated so I have to put them up here. They won't play anybody the rest of the season which will hurt their BCS rankings but they can still make a BCS Bowl game considering at least 1 if not 2 or 3 teams ranked ahead of them will lose before the season is over.

7. GEORGIA TECH YELLOW JACKETS-The Jackets survived on Saturday against Wake Forest thanks to the cajones of Paul Johnson. In overtime, instead of kicking the field goal on 4th and short to send it to another overtime Johnson decided to go for it. The Jackets won. They travel to Duke this week in what should be a blowout.

8. IOWA HAWKEYES-Their luck finally ran out but they still have a chance to win the Big Ten by winning their next two games. They travel to the Horseshoe this Saturday. If they had a half way decent QB they would still be undefeated.

9. PITTSBURGH PANTHERS-I have a gut feeling they will blow out Notre Dame this weekend and get a lot more publicity for being a top 10 team. Wanny has Pitt playing excellent ball and should have little trouble with Charlie Weis this Saturday.

10. LSU TIGERS-Their only two losses have come at the hands of Florida and Alabama. Both of those games could have been won too. It's too bad they won't be playing in a BCS game this year.

ON THE OUTSIDE: Oregon, Utah, USC, Ohio State, Miami

CLEMSON ROWING TEAM WANTS YOU TO READ THEIR LIPS



Deadspin was the first to introduce the world to the Clemson Tigers rowing team which sometimes goes by the nickname of the Cameltoes. I feel kind of bad for these 9 women. Too much labia in college sports can be detrimental to future endeavors such as employment so I won't publish their names. Trust me, my labia has gotten me ridiculed for years.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

THE SOLUTION FOR SWEATY BALLS: FRESH BALLS



How did it take this long to get antiperspirant for your manbags? We got people to the fucking moon 40 years ago but we are just now coming up with a product to get rid of sweaty balls. Our priorities are so whacked these days. Living in Hotlanta means I could use FreshBalls a solid 9 months of the year. My suffering is now over and so can yours. Sweaty Balls are a thing of the past. God bless.

Video HT: HolyTaco

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT FINALLY GOES FOR THE POLE



JLH has been playing the sweet, innocent girl for too long. It's time for her to grow up. It looks like she has finally grasped what it takes to make it "big" time in Hollywood: pole dancing. She needs to bring out her inner-Halle Berry and realize she isn't going to be nailing big movie roles without nailing some top notch producers and/or showing a little more skin. Berry took it all off for "Monster Ball" and won an Academy Award. Hewitt is now pole dancing on her show the "Ghost Whisperer" which is just a step to full frontal and an eventual sex tape. Do it for all the kids out there aka middle aged men.

Video HT: TheDailyFix

Monday, November 09, 2009

AFROS - AMERICA'S FINEST RECEIVERS ON SATURDAY SHIRT




Buy one or two right now. It will make you feel better. Trust me. Chances of you getting laid are greatly improved while sporting the AFROS.

SPORTSCRACK STORE PAGE

KELLY BROOK DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT NOTRE DAME


Which really means I don't want to talk about it because honestly it hurts too much. She also doesn't want to hear from all the Charlie Weis apologists. Just look at her and enjoy your day...



Picture HT: WWTDD

RICHMOND ANNOUNCER GOES OFF



Fast forward to the :37 second mark. His sentiments were how I felt watching the Notre Dame-Navy game this weekend. "What a bum!"

THIS GUY HAD MONEY ON HIS TEAM LOSING RIGHT?



I will let you know Pete Rose never did something this malicious against his teams while he was coaching.

DEANGELO HALL IS A PUNK



What is it with the Falcons and Virginia Tech head cases? DeAngelo Hall might be as dumb as Michael Vick. Shut your mouth and play the game the right way. You got cut because you suck balls. It wasn't personal. You sucked then and you still suck now. Your suckiness is all knowing. Hell, the Raiders thought you sucked and released you. You play on the Deadskins now. I'm so happy the Falcons don't have players like DeAngelo on their team anymore. The result is an actual team with winners.

SAMMY SOSA IS THE NEW KING OF POP



This is a recent photograph of former MLB slugger/roid user Sammy Sosa and his new look: white. He has become the new King of Pop.