TRICK OR BIG TEN POON TREAT?
Our buddy Mac G sent us these wonderful poon pictures from none other than Badger country in Madison, WI. As I mentioned before, Halloween is the perfect holiday for all the closet sluts out there to strip down and show off their thang without feeling the wrath of judging eyes.
God bless the Big Ten Poon. Oh look, it's one of Leinart's leftovers who just happened to make it out for the festivities. If I were her I would have a fake baby popping out of my belly for shits and giggles.
I'm out till tomorrow, HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
TRICK OR BIG TEN POON TREAT?
FRED FLINSTONE AND BARNEY RUBBLE
This picture was taken today with Darren McFadden and Felix Jones posing as Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble. Personally I think it would have been much more humorous if McFadden was dressed as a Falcon and Felix as a Dolphin. They might as well prepare themselves to play for a shitty franchise so why not do it on Halloween. Oh wait, they play for Arkansas, they already know what it's like to play for a bad team.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:58 PM
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS CAN'T SAVE THE ROCKIES
Just hearing the theme music brings back memories of a painful, lonely childhood where me, Luigi, and Mario would battle all day to save the stupid Princess. I say stupid because she was such a slut with her fancy little dress and her wandering eyes. Oh fuck, I need to get out more.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:14 AM
APPARENTLY MY WRITING OR VIEWS CAN CAUSE
the blog world to react like this....
Awesome, it's what I have always dreamed of since I quit journalism school, otherwise known as happy hour.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:45 AM
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
TRICK OR TREAT
Do not come to my house if you want something good to eat...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 11:45 PM
LOOKS LIKE WILLINGHAM IS NEXT TO BE FIRED
Of course this can only be a case of pure racism on the part of the University of Washington president sending this letter to his fellow alums and fans of the Huskies football program...
UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON
OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT
Mark A. Emmert, President
October 29, 2007
Dear Husky Fans,
I have received email comments from you and your fellow fans about the state of Husky Football. As a native of Washington and a UW alumnus, I know very well the competitive traditions of our university. Like many of you, I grew up with Husky Football. I share your frustration and disappointment with the team’s current position. The same is true of everyone involved with the program.
I also know that the young men on our team are giving the UW everything they have. They are working hard and hanging together during this challenging time. As they do so, I intend to give them my full support and encouragement each and every game. They deserve no less. They are our Huskies, and they should be treated as such. There are five games to be played this season, and our team needs our support.
Mark A. Emmert
301 Gerberding Hall • Box 351230 • Seattle, Washington 98195-1230 • 206-543-5010 • FAX: 206-616-1784
I'm not sure why the Huskies would want to fire Willingham. All though it may be true he sucks as a coach considering his record at Washington now sits at 9 wins and 22 losses, and with a loss this Saturday he will be the first coach in Huskies history to have 3 straight losing seasons. But the guy is a tireless recruiter people.
Just look at the class he is bringing in next season which is currently ranked an impressive 45th by Rivals.com. Very impressive Ty. Or maybe it is the 36th ranked class the year before or even the 35th ranked class in 2006. Clearly he is bringing in better athletes every year to remedy the problems at Washington.
When contacted about the rumors of his eventual dismissal and the letter the president wrote to Husky fans, Willingham was again stoic yet eleqount and somewhat forceful with his response on why he is the right man to lead Washington back to gridiron success.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Willingham at a recent recruiting visit.
Letter HT: UHND's McSweeney
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:16 PM
PENN STATE FANS ARE COMPLETE ASSHOLES
You know it's hard to make me feel sympathetic for Ohio State fans and their buckstaches, but after watching this video of Penn State fans wasting good cold beer by throwing it as poorly as Anthony Morelli I now feel a little bad for the Buckeye faithful.
I think we now have a new shirt idea: "Penitentiary State".
What a bunch of dicks! God bless them for supporting such a shitty team.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:05 PM
THE GREATEST COMMERCIAL EVER
Anytime you can use a Top Gun reference you are golden.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:14 PM
SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
We finally had a week full of non upsets so there wasn't much shakeup in regards to the new Sportscrack poll.
1. Ohio State Buckeyes-Absolutely destroyed Penn State in Happy Valley and proved they deserve the recognition as one of the top teams. Yes, the Big Ten blows but the Buckeyes have a really good defense if not the best in the nation. QB Todd Boeckman is third in the nation in QB rating while leading the Buckeyes to an undefeated record so far. Makes you wonder how valuable Troy Smith really was last year, or was he at all? The Buckeyes should be able to handle Wisconsin this week.
2. Oklahoma Sooners-The Sooners had a week off to regroup after a terrible overall performance against Iowa State the week before. This week they have Texas A&M in Norman at night. If Sam Bradford gets back to playing the way he did the first 6 weeks then the Sooners should have little trouble with the Aggies.
3. LSU Tigers-The Tigers had a week off to let Les Miles enormous balls enough time to let the swelling go down. They travel to Tuscaloosa to face Nick the Dick Saban and his new team the Crimson Tide. If they win on Saturday which I expect they will they should cruise the rest of the season into the SEC Championship game.
4. Oregon Ducks-I thoroughly enjoyed watching the Ducks beat USC while flipping in between the Georgia/Florida game. Jonathan Stewart proved again why he is the 2nd best back in the nation behind Darren McFadden and what else can you say about Dennis Dixon? Talk about coming out of hardly any expectations and proving himself as one of the best QBs in the nation this year. This weeks battle with Arizona State will determine not only who wins the PAC-10 but also could determine who is playing in the BCS Title game.
5. Boston College Eagles-Great win on Thursday night in Blacksburg. Lucky to recover an onside kick, I have to hand it to the Eagles for not giving up and scoring two late touchdowns to steal the game. They have the Criminoles this week in Chestnut Hill and we all know how big of a mess they are still.
6. Arizona State SunDevils-Well there is no doubting Dennis Erickson and his ability to revive a program. Rudy Carpenter is a little banged up with a sprained throwing thumb and could have a tough time in Eugene this week. Actually I think he will have a real tough time with the Ducks with or without a good thumb.
7. West Fuckin Virginia Mountaineers-Rocking and rolling since the loss to South Florida, West Virginia has a week off to prepare for Louisville next Thursday night. If they destroy the Cardinals as I expect then they are in the thick of the BCS Title talk once again.
8. Kansas Jayhawks-Aqib Talib is one of the best defensive players I have seen this year. I'm serious. The guy is a shutdown corner and reminds me a lot of Champ Bailey when he was at Georgia. The Fighting Manginos continue to roll and play Nebraska this week. It could get ugly, very ugly.
9. Missouri Tigers-Colorado has ruined a lot of seasons for the Tigers and this Saturday in Boulder could be another one.
10. Georgia Bulldogs-I had no problem with the way the Georgia players reacted after scoring their first touchdown against Florida. The college game is all about passion and emotion and the Bulldogs finally let loose on the Gators and showed they are a legit contender for the SEC East.
Just missed the cut: Michigan, Texas, Connecticut, Florida, Alabama
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 11:10 AM
Monday, October 29, 2007
WHAT DO THESE GUYS HAVE IN COMMON?
Question: What do Tim Tebow, Sam Bradford, Todd Boeckman, Graham Harrell, Brian Brohm, Colt Brennan, Dennis Dixon, Pat White, Blake Joseph, Rudy Carpenter, Paul Smith, Ben Mauk, Cullen Harper, Taylor Tharp, Mike Teel, Chase Daniel, Andre' Woodson, Todd Reesing, Chase Holbrook, Trevor Vittatoe, Kyle Wright, Zac Robinson, Dwight Dasher, Brian Johnson, Bernard Morris, Colt McCoy, Nate Davis, Case Keenum, Alex Brink, Willie Tuitama, Dan LeFevour, Donovan Porterie,Drew Willy Buffalo, Brian Hoyer, T.J. Yates, Curtis Painter, Caleb Hanie, Kellen Lewis, Adam Tafralis, Thaddeus Lewis, Sam Keller, Erik Ainge, Tyler Donovan, Tyler Lorenzen, Patrick Pinkney, and Max Hall all have in common?
Answer: They are the 53 NCAA starting quarterbacks who have a better QB Rating than Matt Ryan this season.
And yet this guy is now being touted as one of the leading contenders for the Heisman Trophy according to SI.com, CBSSportsline, ESPN, USA Today, and Scout.com just to name a few. It would be one thing if Ryan was a dual threat QB who was also beating teams with his runs or another thing if he was beating the top teams in the nation but he has done neither. So then why is Ryan the favorite?
The unfortunate answer is because Boston College is undefeated and they are a, and I say this with extreme ridicule because there hasn't been one in decades, a Northeast power team where most of the big media outlets are located. Don't get me wrong, Ryan is a good quarterback and could be a really good pro. But the Heisman Trophy should go to the best player in the country and clearly Ryan isn't. I've watched him play 5 times this season and he has played good in one game(the Georgia Tech game), average in the Notre Dame game, and terrible in 3 others (NC State, Virginia Tech, and Army).
So when the ESPN "experts" tell you Matt Ryan is now the leading candidate for the Heisman Trophy you can laugh it off and wonder if he is indeed the Heisman leader than what does it make the 53 other quarterbacks who are statiscally better than him this season?
I will let you decide.
When contacted about his Heisman chances, Ryan reacted unfavorably on camera...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 6:31 PM
BRAVES TRADE EDGAR RENTERIA, HOT STOVE JUST HEATING UP
Finally some other news to talk about other than the Yankees or the Red Sox, who I believe won the World Series last night but I dont' have confirmation yet from ESPN. The Atlanta Braves just traded All-star shortstop Renteria to the Detroit Tigers in exchange for righthanded pitcher Jair Jurrjens and outfielder Gorkys Hernandez. It looks at first glance to be a steal for the Tigers because they pick up a great player in Renteria who can play shortstop and be penciled into the 2 slot. But after close examination it appears the Braves have acquired a centerfielder for the future in Hernandez(20 year old Class A MVP who led the league in stolen bases in his first professional season) and a starter for the back end of the rotation in Jurrjens.
Yunel Escobar will now be the starting shortstop for the Braves after a productive first season with Atlanta filling in for an injured Renteria. Speculation now is the Braves might try to resign Tom Glavine with some more salary room but I think that would be a mistake. Glavine is washed up and didn't want to stay in Atlanta when he signed with the New York Mets in 2003 after spending his first 16 years as a Brave so why would they want him now?
If I was the Braves GM I would look to package a couple of prospects(possibly the two guys they just picked up from the Tigers)along with a reliever and send it to the Baltimore Orioles for lefty Erik Bedard. The Braves were one starter away from being serious contenders last year and with John Smoltz and Tim Hudson on the front end of the rotation adding a guy the calibre of Bedard would make them the favorite in the National League. But then again this is the Orioles and any trade has to go through Peter Angelos. Yeah, I know, fuck that guy.
Any thoughts Sportscrack nation?
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:30 PM
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T PLAY ACROSS THE POND
Seriously, what a fucking boner. Not only did the New York Giants and Miami Dolphins have to deal with shitty food and weather(UK staples) but they have to deal with naked dudes doing push ups. At least get a girl out there.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:15 PM
PETER GAMMONS HATES A-ROD
I have always thought of Peter Gammons as kind of a kiss up, baseball player ass smooching type of guy. He never asks a ballplayer a tough question(you know, the whole steroid we had no fucking idea type of questions he has refused to ask players) and his predictions in baseball are terrible. This guy once said Bobby Crosby was going to be MVP and Carlos Perez was going to be a perennial All-Star. But despite all his faults we all know that Gammons is a deep down good guy. Yes, he is a Red Sox fan and loves to suck them off as much as possible but shit I would too if they were my favorite team.
With that being said it must take a lot to piss off Gammons because I have never heard him say a bad thing about any player let alone report it. The guy always has a half glass full type of attitude and I can admire that. So you know it took a lot for Alex Rodriguez to piss off Gammons. Here is what Gammons said last night after hearing A-Hole was opting out of his contract...
Damn A-Job, you just got bitch slapped by the nicest reporter in the sports world. Just wait till all the dicks(John Saunders) and idiots(Jay Mariotti)get a hold of you. But what do you care right? You make a bijillion dollars and bang ugly beat up whores while your wife weeps in the corner videotaping. You are just a stand up human being you sad, sad little man.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 12:59 PM
THE PERFECT GIRL
Reality TV at its finest!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:56 AM
NEW SHIRTS AND HOODS AVAILABLE!!
Check out our store page for the newest shirts and hoods. We basically came up with a new color for the FUSC shirt in order to satisfy all the blood thirsty UCLA fans who swore they would never wear their arch rival colors.
The other two new designs are Irish related. We have an old school flavor mixed with a new school flavor so be sure to check them out and spread the word. They come in hoods by the way so you don't have to freeze your ass off in just a t-shirt.
As always a portion of all Sportscrack merchandise sales goes to the American Cancer Society. Be sure to check out their website to see how you can help others in need.
Also be on the look out this week for even more new designs including our "Gaytors" shirt and "To Hell with Tech" shirt.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:11 AM
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:42 PM
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAY OF THE YEAR
15 laterals to win the game...unfucking believable.
I'm still wondering why the one guy on Millsaps just gave up at the end.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:16 AM
Friday, October 26, 2007
TIM TEBOW'S #1 FAN
You would think being one of the best quarterbacks in the nation has it's perks and well it does. But it is people like this who wear their love for their favorite player and/or team literally on their skin that make all the hard work and dedication worth it.
Here is to you Mr. T-Bone lover you....
We got the perfect shirt for you pal...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:54 PM
TOM CRUISE IS A COCK-BLOCK
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:44 AM
MATT RYAN KILLS THE HOKIES
No, he is not Korean or a psycho for that matter, but Ryan picked himself off the Matt so to speak and led Boston College back to an improbable win in the final two minutes of the snore fest last night. Here are the highlights from the game winning drive in case you missed it, which is 97% likely...
The only thing missing in this highlight of Ryan running around for his life is Chris Berman making stupid clown noises while scratching his toupee.
So does the performance help or hinder Matt Ryan's Heisman chances? His performance was terrible the first 3 and a half quarters. The Hokies continued to deliver bullet after bullet to a confused and bewildered Ryan, but he finished the game with a line of 25-52 with two touchdowns and two interceptions. The game winning touchdown pass was a thing of beauty and being the dick he is Ryan silenced the Hokies faithful for the first time since...well, you know.
Any guy with the first name of Matt is a complete asshole! At least that is what I have been told my whole life.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 8:18 AM
GEORGIA VS. FLORIDA
(pictures courtesy of SECPoon)
We got ass on the line here for the World's Largest Cocktail Party. Who ya got? The current ass line has it in favor of Florida by nine points. Seems like a big spread but I guess that comes with the territory when the Gators have won 15 of the last 17 matchups. We all know about Tim Tebow and how the world revolves around his member in Gainesville and how it hasn't been "violated" supposedly because the kid is more Christian than Kirk Cameron. I know, I call bullshit on that too. And we all know about Matthew Stafford and the pictures in Talladega which inspired a great drinking shirt.
But I want to know what the Sportscrack nation is thinking before I make my bet. So go over to the poll on the upper right corner of this glorious blog and make your pick. We are going to make this bet as a team.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:45 AM
BOSTON TAKES 2-0 WORLD SERIES LEAD
The Red Sox look unstoppable right now but you know what, I'm not going to let that bother me. Sure, I hate the Red Sox and their fans and I am sick and tired of ESPN kissing their ass every chance they get. But you know what, there are more important things to worry about than a little baseball game played between millionaires who bang more chicks in one travel week than most normal people do in their whole life time.
Actually, no there isn't.
You ever wonder if Matsuzaka(who has blown by the way) and Okajima bang the same chicks on the road and scream "Bonzai" right before they Jackson Pollack a lucky lassie? Okay, maybe it's just me. Or does Dustin Pedroia only date supermodels because they make him feel like a little kid all over again?
I don't know where I'm going with this post, but I figured I would give you guys some eye candy for having to read it. Don't say I never do anything for you...
Consider this a peace offering Boston fans.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 7:29 AM
W IS FOR WILDFIRES
Poor Californians. Hell, poor Americans. God I love this country.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:18 AM
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I'm a little late with the new Sportscrack Top 10 because I thought I posted it on Monday but apparently I didn't. So here you go, here is the new top 10 which will more than likely look totally different by next week.
1. Ohio State Buckeyes-There, you happy, I got the Buckeyes as the new #1. I don't feel good about it and in fact I feel a little dirty putting them here. They have Penn State this week in Happy Valley at night. Count on Anthony Morelli to make at least two bonehead mistakes to ruin a potential upset.
2. Oklahoma Sooners-Talk about sleep walking, the Sooners looked like Anna Nicole with clown makeup last week against Iowa State. At least we can all laugh off the terrible performance by the Sooners because it didn't kill their BCS chances. Anna Nicole not so much.
3. LSU Tigers-Les Miles has to be the dumbest, luckiest fuck since George Bush got re elected. I mean seriously, this guy could kill like ten prostitutes and still not get caught. Oh wait, that would make him Pete Carroll and we all know Miles isn't that dirty.
4. Boston College Eagles-Their special teams are terrible and the Hokies have good special teams. It's in Blacksburg on a Thursday night. The Hokies are 3 point favorites just like Rutgers was last week when they beat South Florida. Can I spell it out for you any further?
5. Oregon Ducks-The Ducks are the only legitimate team in the PAC-10 that can contend for a BCS berth at this point. Arizona State is fool's gold and USC lost to Stanford but if Oregon doesn't start to play better defense they will lose starting this week in Eugene against the Trojans.
6. Arizona State SunDevils-Rudy Carpenter and Dennis Erickson will get their first good test this Saturday against Cal. Win the game and they can be viewed as legit for at least another week. Lose and we can all kick them in their junk and point at them while shouting "I told you so!"
7. Florida Gators-If the Gators were in any other conference right now they would more than likely be undefeated. This team can battle and last week's win against Kentucky shows this team has the heart of a champion.
8. West Fuckin Virginia-I hate to say it Mountaineer fans and trust me I hope I'm wrong, but I can see you winning out the rest of your games starting this week in Piscataway and still not having a chance to reach the BCS Championship.
9. Kansas Jayhawks-I'm going to be honest and say I haven't seen them play this year. I don't see the Manginos running the table but I see they don't have the Longhorns or the Sooners on their schedule. Lucky fuckers.
10. South Florida Bulls-Man, I was pulling so hard for the Bulls. So hard I was screaming at Grothe the whole second half to throw the damn ball. They better regroup fast, UCONN is no pushover.
JUST MISSED THE CUT: Kentucky, Missouri, Michigan, USC, Cal
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:44 AM
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
WORLD SERIES PREDICTION
I figured I would do a bunch of research and see how the Boston Red Sox and Colorado Rockies match up in our annual Fall Classic but then I remembered I'm a lazy drunk with serious ADD problems. Seriously, I can't remember how many times I have forgotten where I put my beer only to pick up the one which one of my asshole buddies has left full of dip spit.
But anyways what was I talking about?
Oh yeah, the World Series. I'm not going to lie I didn't think the Red Sox would make the World Series let alone the playoffs when they signed JD Drew in the off season. And of course I had no idea the Rockies would be God's team and go on a Godly win streak just to make the playoffs. So here we sit with the hated Red Sox going against the upstart Jesus freaks out of Colorado. We have the self loathing, narcissistic butt plugs from New England fan base against the tree hugging, care less about baseball would rather be skiing with Buffy crowd from Colorado. So who wins?
On the surface it would appear the Red Sox have a clear advantage in regards to starting pitching, bullpen, and overall lineup. But seriously, throw all that shit out because it doesn't matter. If you think I'm an idiot just look at what the St. Louis Cardinals did last season. They were a really average if not bad team but somehow made the playoffs due to playing in a dickless division and yet they still won the whole damn thing despite Kenny Rogers blatant cheating and Jim Leyland's chain smoking fatties in between every pitching change.
So I looked for signs, you know, stuff that God tells you when you do too many shots of Jack Daniels so you start mixing Red Bull with Vodka and call yourself a "real drinker." Pussies drink Red Bull. I say this because I had a Red Bull one time and I shit worse than after eating a ten pack of Taco Bell shacos* at 1 am after drinking a case of Natty Light. Ah the good times of drinking away a good education. Searching for signs I figured I would look for the best looking chicks among their fan bases. Boston Red Sox fans are mostly dudes and the few women out there are straight Tabasco to the cornea. Colorado probably has good looking women but it's too fucking cold there so they all move to California by the time they are done with college.
I dug, I drank, I pissed, and I flipped the channels until my finger tips bleed looking for just one sign to give me an idea of who will win. It's the gambler's mentality in my head. Fuck logic, where has that ever gotten me besides blistering sores that shouldn't exist below the belt?
And finally I found it in the depths of what was once a baseball hell sitting with a jersey with the name of the guy who will make the difference in this series...
Nothing like a bulls eye on the lower back to tell everybody your game.
Red Sox in 7.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 3:11 PM
THE NFL IS SO HUGE...
even retards apparently watch it.
Must deny craving for Jewish food...ahhhh!!!
I don't even want to think of what this person did with her thumb when they won their last Super Bowl.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:11 PM
AMERICA'S BIGGEST DOUCHE ROOTING FOR THE RED SOX
You needed yet another reason not to vote for the guy, well here you go. Former New York mayor and all around douchebag Rudy Giuliani is rooting for the Red Sox in the World Series.
That's right folks, the self proclaimed biggest Yankees fan in the world is rooting for their hated rival.
"I'm rooting for the Red Sox," the Republican presidential contender Tuesday told a Boston audience, just a few T stops from Fenway Park.
"I'm an American League fan, and I go with the American League team, maybe with the exception of the Mets. Maybe that would be the one time I wouldn't because I'm loyal to New York."
If you are a serious fan of the Yankees there is no way you can root for the Red Sox under any circumstance. I'm an Orioles fan and I hope the Red Sox get their asses handed to them by the Rockies only because the Red Sux are in our division.
So stop with the "I'm an American League fan" bullshit Giuliani and stick to your New York roots. And please stop mentioning 9/11 every fucking time you have a speech. We know you were there. We watched. The real heroes are the firefighters, the policemen and women,the troops, and the citizens who didn't use the tragedy as a platform to go for a political seat but rather did it because they actually care for their fellow human beings.
And before I get the hate mail let it be known that I have hated Giuliani ever since he gave Jeffrey Maier a key to the city for cheating. I'm all about forgiving people but seriously, fuck those two douchebags.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 9:58 AM
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Is it just me or does this kind of look like two dudes about to make out on the beach?
For what it's worth the picture is of Tom Brady and Giselle Bundchen making out in Miami last week. I think I might be turning gay because I can't help but notice Giselle has kind of a man face going on, like a Steffi Graf kind of deal. I'm looking at this picture and I'm thinking in my head "she looks more like Superman than super model."
Damn, I think I just grossed myself out staring at that dude's chest on the right. Lift some weights pussy!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 6:49 PM
IRISH LAND ANOTHER STAR RECRUIT
Some how, some way, Notre Dame is still killing in recruiting. They just picked up the #3 tailback in the nation in Jonas Gray, who was previously committed to Nebraska. Don't ask me how or why, but Notre Dame is going to have the #1 recruiting class this season if they can manage to keep all of their verbal commitments.
Now if they lose to Navy or Duke all bets are off. Only then will Notre Dame be really, truly fucked. And I'm not talking about the good fuck where you wake up the next morning and thank God for letting you get a little slice of heaven in the piece of the angel lying next to you. No, I'm talking about the demented fucked-up shit of getting caught with your pants down in Deliverance and Pulp Fiction type of situation.
Yes, I just took you there Zed, now squeal like a pig.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 3:18 PM
Monday, October 22, 2007
IRISH LAND 5 STAR RECEIVER
Call me crazy but it appears the Notre Dame coaching staff can recruit a hell of a lot better than they coach this year. Despite a terrible performance again on Saturday against arch rival USC, Notre Dame secured a commitment from Michael Floyd, a 6'3 punishing big-play threat receiver they missed out last season when Arrelious Benn chose Illinoi$.
Here is some video highlights of Mike Floyd along with some comments from Mr. Turtleneck.
In fact the Irish now have 20 commitments who are all either at the top of their class in rankings or near it. Here is an article from Scout.com's Mike Frank on the recent success on the Irish recruiting trail which is located at this link:
"The news of five-star wide receiver Michael Floyd committing to Notre Dame over the weekend lifted the spirits of Irish fans after a disappointing loss to USC this past weekend. It also sparked my memory to how well this Irish coaching staff recruits. I think you might even be surprised by how well they're doing.
Anyone who has followed my work over the years knows that I always say one thing about recruiting. I don't care about stars. I only care about knowing which players the Irish wanted early, and how many they landed in the end. That is how I believe you should judge a recruiting class. Rankings are biased, and some players just can't be recruited by Notre Dame. Some are also not a good fit for Notre Dame.
The very first offers that go out by the Irish coaching staff are almost always their top players at any particular position. It's important to know this because then you can judge how well they're doing as the recruiting season unfolds. Using this method of measurement, this staff is hitting a grand slam thus far this year. Let's take a look.
On September 1, 2006, Notre Dame was allowed to offer any junior they wanted in compliance with NCAA regulations. The Irish offered four players on September 1, 2006, Steve Filer, Michael Floyd, Dan Buckner, and Trevor Robinson . Obviously, all four were very high on Notre Dame's wish list, and they currently have two committed and are sitting in pretty good shape with Robinson. If Robinson commits, they'd go 3-for-4 on these four important recruits. But their high hit rate doesn't stop there. Let's take a look.
The Irish coaching staff offered one player—Dayne Crist—and they landed him. Notre Dame was very high on his very strong arm, mobility, and his ability to process information quickly. Many feel Crist has more "upside" than Jimmy Clausen. He has the five-star ranking to back those claims.
The Irish missed on a few, but that is to be expected considering two freshmen are playing a large role in the Irish offense. Darrell Scott was Notre Dame's first offer, but he showed little interest. The Irish then offered a number of players all at the same time including Ryan Williams, Carlton Thomas, Cyrus Gray and Sam McGuffie. They have recently offered Jonas Gray after he officially visited this weekend. The Irish have a good shot to land at least one of those left on the board. I think they'll only take one--Cyrus or Jonas Gray being the most likely of the bunch. While they didn't get their top guy, they'll be getting a great one none the less.
The Irish came out of the gate offering both Floyd and Buckner. Buckner chose Texas over the summer and they then sent out another offer to John Goodman. Right now they have two out of their top three. That is outstanding. The staff will likely want another player, and Jonathan Baldwin , Chris Harper, Deion Walker and Gerell Robinson are still left on the board. All are currently ranked in the top 110 players on Scout.com.
Kyle Rudolph is universally known as the top tight end in the country. He was their first offer and he's committed. They then offered three other tight ends— Joseph Fauria, Blake Ayles and Jacob Stoneburner. Fauria, the perfect compliment to Rudolph, committed on his unofficial visit to Notre Dame over the spring. Again, outstanding work by the Irish staff.
The Irish offered Robinson right out of the gate and they have a great shot to land him. The Irish staff then sent out a number of offers early in the year including offers to Mike Adams, Michael Brewster, Braxston Cave, Mike Golic, Jr. , Josh Jenkins, Stephen Good, Lane Clelland and Art Forst. They all pretty much went out at the same time. Thus far the Irish have three of those players committed and are looking for at least one more. Kenneth Page was offered early in the summer, and also is a strong possibility for the Irish. Notre Dame has missed on a number of the above, but they've also landed three and look good for two others at this point. Robinson's commitment would be big for this group, as would Page, but Robinson was obviously very high on their wish list being the first offensive lineman offered.
The Irish offered four players right out of the gate—Omar Hunter, Marcus Forston, Brandon Newman and Hafis Williams. I'd say you're doing pretty well when you land three out of your first four offers. I still believe Corwin Brown could've landed Forston had the other two not committed. An outstanding job done by the Irish staff with this much needed position.
Ethan Johnson and Sean Cwynar were the first two players offered at defense end. Chancey Aghayere, Kapron Lewis-Moore and Garrett Goebel we also offered later, but the Irish landed the top two guys they offered. Again, outstanding work by the Irish staff.
Notre Dame needed linebackers in this class, and they went out and offered a ton of linebackers early. Steve Filer was obviously a high priority—mission accomplished. The Irish also offered a number of players like Arthur Brown, Shayne Hale, David Posluszny, Anthony McDonald, Andrew Sweat, Darius Fleming, Brendan Beal and Etienne Sabino. The Irish wanted at least four and got four of their top guys. Yes, Brown and Hale were probably more coveted than some others, but they landed four outstanding prospects out of this group. The only real disappointment was Sabino, but we all know Corwin Brown did all he could to land him. Again, another fantastic job by the Irish coaching staff.
The Irish wanted two corners and one safety in this class. Will Hill and Dan McCarthy were the two safeties offered—both at the same time—they landed McCarthy. Robert Blanton, Jamoris Slaughter and Patrick Johnson were offered at cornerback. They landed Slaughter and Blanton. I'd say that is a very good hit rate.
Notre Dame did look hard at T.J. Bryant, and I'm sure they would've offered him as well eventually, but I'm not sure he was qualified to be admitted into Notre Dame at that early part of the recruiting process.
If you're keeping score, the Irish have now landed at least one of their top two targets at quarterback, wide receiver, tight end, nose tackle, defensive end, linebacker, corner and safety. They still have a chance to land their top player at offensive line.
While not all of these players are considered the top player at their position by Scout.com, they are the top players the Irish identified, qualified, and had interest in Notre Dame. Some players just had no interest, which happens to all schools. But, these were Notre Dame's very top targets of those available to recruit. As a fan, you can't ask for anything more than that.
The Notre Dame football season has been a tough pill to swallow for all Irish fans. Nobody is happy with the results, but better days are just ahead. The next time you feel the urge to vent and take out your frustrations, I strongly recommend you re-read this article. It will give you some perspective of what should be on the way.
The now 20 commitments represent the most talented recruiting class ever assembled at Notre Dame."
Great, now if only we could coach them up for Crist's sake(pun intended).
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:50 PM
FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID IT
I wish I could take credit for this but I can't. This is straight from the mouth of Kissing Suzy Kolber, one of the great blogs out there unlike my piece of shit blog which gets by on fart and boob jokes. Anyways, it's a "Guide to Being an Insufferable A--hole S--tface F--kface Fan of Boston-Area Sports Team."
With the Red Sox advancing to the World Series, Boston College still undefeated, KG moving to the Celtics, and this year’s Patriots in the process of becoming the best team in the history of the NFL (and you’re deluding yourself if you can't accept the reality of that), we are on the verge of witnessing a perfect storm of douchebaggery emanating from the greater Boston area. We’re talking the absolute zenith of self-important fuckfacery. The sky will turn pitch black and rain vinegar upon us all.
I have done all that I can to stop this. I’ve offered bounties, yet NFL defenders remain too dumb, and NFL defensive coaches too incompetent to call for a drop kick right to Tom Brady’s patella. We at KSK have also tried repeatedly hammering the point home that Bill Simmons is a fucking douchebag (see below, or just wait for the next post). It’s a like a political talking point: the more often we say it, the more likely it is to stick in your brain, regardless of whether or not you actually believe it (“Oh, Bill Simmons? Yeah, he’s a douche. No, wait! I kinda used to like him! Damn you, KSK!"). But those efforts have done nothing to stem this growing doucheflood.
We are left with two options. The first option is to cultivate the hatred the rest of the nation has for these people, so that, even when the Patriots or Red Sox win, they cannot savor the victory fully. After all, if there’s any group of fans that has a “Why can’t you be happy for us?” mentality, it’s New England sports fans. Not only do they act douchey when they win. But they fully expect you to jump on the bandwagon with them. Witness Simmons’ infamous Pats-hater bitchfest from earlier in the year, one of the sorriest sports columns ever written.
Boston fans fail to grasp a standard rule of sports fandom, which is: Any team that wins a title that is not your team is fucking annoying. It doesn’t matter how the other team won. They’re not YOUR team, so they can eat a fat dick. Fuck this “appreciating” other teams shit. Normal fans don’t do that. At least Cowboy and Yankee fans have a solid understanding of just why people can’t fucking stand them. But Mickey from Natick? Nope, he’s not gonna grasp that concept. In fact, he’s not gonna grasp much of anything.
So that’s one option. But there is another option, and is, of course, to join them. Is this a lame thing to do? Oh, yeah. Total fuckhead move. But hey, maybe you’re a Dolphins fan and you’ve abandoned all hope. Maybe becoming a dipshit asshole cumguzzler like Jimmy Fallon is your only way to stay happy. I don’t approve, but I’m not here to judge. We at KSK are here for the people, so we’ve come up with a few rules, listed below, of just how to turn yourself into one of these fans. One bonus of becoming an insufferable Boston bandwagon fan is that it gives the rest of us extra ammunition to want to gut New England fans with a paring knife, which I’m more than okay with. Hate feels good. It really gets me through my day.
Lest you think these rules are farcical, I assure you they are not. No one knows the psyche of New England sports fans quite like I do. I went to dipshit prep school in New England. I went to college in New England. My parents have lived in Connecticut for the past 17 years. You might even call me a “total fucking hypocrite,” which is more than fair. I’ve been in the heart of the douche. I’ve worn the fleece. I’ve heard all the God Street Wine songs. I know what it’s all about. I had plenty of opportunities to join the brood. Despite my own history of wanton douchebaggery, I resisted. But I’m still enough of a preppy dicksmack to help you reach your goal. Here now, is how you become one of “them”:
1. Use Manny Ramirez to justify all your stereotypes about Latin Americans, but do NOT use David Ortiz to refute any of them.
2. Bitch about Dane Cook “representing” you while, at the same time, rocking his exact same haircut.
3. Boast about Bill Belichick’s strategic genius as if it is somehow indirectly your doing. You’ll see plenty of New England fans, when seeing another coach fuck up, say to you, “Now, would Belichick do something like that? Hell no. He’d do it totally different.” You see, pointing out Belichick’s acumen is a way of trying to pass it off as your own. He’s smart, which makes you smart! Talk about Belichick the same way a proud father boasts about his child prodigy. You won’t be any more intelligent. In fact, you’ll still be a fucking eggplant. But you’ll feel more intelligent, and that’s nice.
4. Own $1,000 worth of Red Sox merchandise, but no Patriots merchandise whatsoever. The lone exception: The Wes Welker jersey. Pats fans love Wes Welker because he’s white. Just like them! They also love Tedi Bruschi, because he’s kinda white. And hey, that’s not bad either.
5. Be sure to boast about all the hot chicks Tom Brady gets to nail. Because that’s totally something for YOU to brag about.
6. Complain earnestly about how many ads Peyton Manning appears in while continuing to brag about the Pats' O-line being Brady's five layers of protection. Lord knows Brady's never been in an ad for Stetson, or Movado, or Gap, or any of that shit.
7. If you put a five into a jukebox at any sports bar, you must play “Satellite” by the Dave Matthews Band at least once.
8. Act proudly ignorant of things you already know. Like so: “Hey, who was that colored guy in that “Rush Hour” movie? He was all right.” This works even better if you’re a Boston-area college student. Yeah, you go to Tufts, but you have no fackin’ idea who those Maroon 5 faggots are. Sure, buddy. For a walking example of proud stupidity, consult this dumbshit:
9. Be sure to try and distinguish yourself as a “real fan”. All “real” Boston fans must be able to judge their fellow Boston fans' credibility. Never been to Fenway? Poseur. Didn't like the Pat Patriot logo? Bandwagoner. Went to college outside New England? Turncoat. Too young to remember the '86 Celtics? Faggot.
10. Bitch about the Boston accents in any film or TV show. “Yeah, ‘The Depahted’ was fackin’ great, but they don’t talk like that in fackin’ REVEEEEAH!!!!!” Yes, no film could ever accurately depict just how real, how fierce your hardscrabble Newton upbringing was.
11. Adopt the attitude that you, yes you, DESERVE this success. “Hey, we Pats fans know how it used to be back in the day. We earned these titles.” Don’t treat your team’s good fortune as the stroke of good fortune it happens to be. No, no, no. Your championship has to be deeper then someone else’s championship. It has to mean something more. Why? Because you fancy yourself as being introspective. Cockgobbler. Treat it like some sort of karmic reward for Len Bias dying, or some other twisted, idiotic explanation.
12. Always treat your fandom as membership to some kind of exclusive club of super cool people. Like the whole Red Sox Nation thing. Oooh, you guys all root for the same team? How unique! How special! Fucking die. Be sure to adopt a siege mentality when your team is criticized. “Hey, you can’t rip on Papelbon! He’s fackin’ one of us!” Whatever you need to make yourself feel less alone in the world.
13. Be sure to grow your hair out under your artificially aged Red Sox hat so that little hair wings sprout out the side. That looks great.
14. Laugh at your own jokes. You're so funny, guy!
15. Shun Ben Affleck. Embrace Matt Damon. That apples line never gets old!
16. Finally, bitch about everything: critics, certain players who personally disappoint you, etc. They call it New England for a reason. People in England love to fucking complain. You are the newer, even more annoying model.
Follow these rules and I promise you that everyone from the nation’s remaining 44 states will want to rape you with a hammer. But hey, you’re a Boston sports fan now. You’ll be completely ignorant to your own jackassery. That’s the beauty of it. You are now just as fucking annoying as a Notre Dame football fan, or a Duke basketball fan. That's right, Pats fan. That's the level you're at right now. Enjoy your world titles, you fucking cockhog.
You know what, now that I read it again I see a little of me inside those cocknut fuckers. The only difference is my teams that I follow year round(Notre Dame football, Atlanta Thrashers, and Baltimore Orioles) that I root for are horrible and I don't have some jackass accent. But yeah, I whine a lot because I think I could coach my teams better because their suckiness is at an all-time high right now and I generally laugh at my own jokes even while my dogs beg for me to stop. By the way they are the only ones who will listen besides my blow up doll and she is being such a bitch lately with the deflating.
I got a new one for Boston area fans: Tiny cock syndrome from the fear of all black people.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:06 PM
Sunday, October 21, 2007
TOUCHDOWN! OTHER GUY
Wait a second, Notre Dame won a bowl game in 1996? My hope is that one day Notre Dame stops schilling for the almighty corporate dollar and gets rid of the NBC contract. Not because of the SNL skit, we all know SNL has been so painfully unfunny for 15 plus years, but because the Irish don't deserve to be covered solely on a major network.
And oh yeah, tear up the Adidas contract too. I love how I'm watching NBC and they are playing a Reggie Bush Adidas commercial showing him winning a Heisman while at USC. Fucking doUSCbags.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:31 PM
WAIT A SECOND, YOU TRYING TO TELL ME...
Christians are lying, cheating assholes? Because there is no way a devout Christian would ever use performance enhancing drugs to prolong or better their career in baseball. I mean if you can't trust a guy like Paul Byrd, who is as devout as they get, are you telling me I can't trust another Jesus loving freak guy like Julio Franco who says the only juice he is on is the Jesus kind.
Fuck, my dentist only gives me a toothbrush when I see him, I'm getting screwed.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:10 PM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE BAD WHEN...
your punter is the player of the game.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:01 AM
Friday, October 19, 2007
Who ya got? Blond or brunette?
WARNING: Don't be an idiot and takes these picks to your bookie, instead pick the exact opposite and you might be able to cover that nasty "lost" credit card that some how ended up in a strip club and you have no idea why there would be $4000 in charges as you try to explain to your pissed off wife. Remember, I'm only here for you, the Sportscrack nation and your well being.
Plus I don't want you to be screaming like some pansy named Taylor when you hit a little turbulence in life. So sack up and read these wonderful picks and if they don't win you money you can reach me at 1-800-BLOW-ME.
OKLAHOMA(-30) AT IOWA STATE
The Sooners need to impress the pollsters as much as possible in order to move up in the human rankings and I think they will on Saturday. Iowa State is garbage right now and they won't be able to stop the high powered Sooners offense. Demarco Murray and Malcolm Kelly will both have huge games which will in turn make a close game in the first quarter an absolute blowout by the third quarter.
Prediction: Oklahoma 57 Iowa State 10
MISSISSIPPI STATE(+24) AT WEST VIRGINIA
Sylvester Croom's troops are not playing that bad this year and will come up to Morgantown and hit the Mountaineers in the mouth. West Virginia will pull away in the second half, but I don't see them covering a 3 touchdown and a field goal spread.
Prediction: West Virginia 34 Mississippi State 21
USC AT NOTRE DAME(+17.5)
Both teams have been playing bad throughout the season but I really don't see a reason why USC would be favored by so much. The Trojans have been sleep walking all year and even the plane ride over to South Bend didn't go exactly as smooth as they thought it would. For all intended purposes Notre Dame should get killed in this game but I'm smelling upset with the Irish wearing the old school 1977 uniforms. In a game full of penalties and turnovers, the Irish prevail thanks to a brilliant performance from WR Duval Kamara.
Prediction: Notre Dame 24 USC 20
MICHIGAN STATE(+19) AT OHIO STATE
This season has been stricken with upsets and with South Florida going down against Rutgers last night there is little doubt more upsets are upon us this weekend. The Buckeyes should be able to run the ball against the Spartans which will be the key factor in this game. On the other hand the Spartans will have a tough time running against the Buckeyes tough defense led by their All-American linebacker.
Prediction: Ohio State 27 Michigan State 10
Florida at Kentucky(+6.5)
I'm back and forth with this game and I am still a little shocked Kentucky is almost a touchdown underdog at home against a team with 2 losses. Both Andre Woodson and Tim Tebow will have big games but I like Kentucky's running game because they can actually rely on their running backs instead of just Tebow and WR Percy Harvin. Most people think Kentucky is due for a let down but I don't see it because the Wildcats are again being touted by the pundits as underdogs without a legitimate shot at the SEC Title.
Prediction: Kentucky 31 Florida 28
Kansas at Colorado(+4)
It's time for Kansas fairy tale season to come to an end. If this game was in Lawrence I would more than likely take the Jayhawks but I've seen one undefeated Big 12 team go down in Boulder earlier this season and I see another one in the Sportscrack crystal ball.
Prediction: Colorado 24 Kansas 22
Michigan(-1) at Illinois
The law of averages are kicking in and right now Illinois is not a better team than Michigan. Mike Hart will carry them on his back and this time they will finally be able to stop a running QB in Juice Williams because honestly he isn't very good.
Prediction: Michigan 27 Illinois 14
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 12:28 PM
Thursday, October 18, 2007
JOE TORRE TURNS DOWN YANKEES
Does anybody really care? I mean yes, it is the New York Yankees and they have 26 World Series Championships and they will no longer have a manager who picks his nose on national television more often than I masturbate, but does it really matter? Baseball managing is like flipping the channel. Just don't fuck it up and know where your strong stations or players are and play them.
They can pay me 1 million, I will drink my ass off, and I will still be able to pencil in a lineup that will win 90 plus games next year. This isn't brain surgery. You need someone to cover up Derek Jeter's dead hookers or sweep away Roger Clemen's cattle pills then I am your man also, just don't expect me to clean
A-Rod's dirty whore infested cup without asking for at least 2 mil.
After hearing Torre turned down a 5 million dollar contract because he wants to die in Florida I pretty much reacted like this kid....
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:25 PM
HEISMAN TOP 5
First of all I want to say with strong conviction that just because you beat Notre Dame doesn't make you a Heisman frontrunner. I repeat, just because Matt Ryan and Boston College beat ND last week, you know, the 1-6 Irish, doesn't make him any better than Tim Tebow, Andre Woodson, or Sam Bradford for that matter. I'm so sick and tired of the national media picking up a guy and proclaiming him the leading guy whenever someone beats Notre Dame. I'm a fan of the Irish but even I know we suck donkey balls this year and beating us is like graduating high school: If you can't do it then you should probably just cut your losses and light the candles while you soak in your blood bath.
Speaking of blood bath I got laid this week. No, seriously, and I didn't even have to pay her afterwards. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I just felt like typing it out so everyone could read it. Life must suck when you have to pay for sex all the time, thus my reason why I will never get married. Speaking of marriage I'm tying the knot next May so that must make me the biggest hypocrite in the world but in all honesty(unlike 95% of the rest of this blog)I love the lady and can't wait.
Okay, enough of my boring life, let's talk Heisman.
1. Andre Woodson-He beat LSU. He beat LSU. Again, he beat LSU. -And for everybody in the media who can't imagine a black QB not running for TDs he actually ran for one against LSU while also throwing for 3 in the upset win. So there you go, let your racist tinted glasses dim for a moment and understand that he is on pace to throw for 37 touchdowns and only 7 interceptions in the toughest conference in college football. If he beats Florida this week I think it will be a safe bet to say everybody will be jumping on his bandwagon for the Heisman. I'm already on.
2. Mike Hart-
Let me first start off and say this: I hate Michigan. Always have, always will. But you know what, I also love and respect the way Mike Hart plays the game. If you want to talk about putting it all out on the line and carrying your team I believe we can't look any further than #20 for the maize and blue. If Michigan wins the Big Ten it's not going to be because they have the most talent or the better coaching or the easiest road, it's going to be because of Hart. He might not be as talented as McFadden or as fast as Desean Jackson but the kid knows how to play the game and be a leader. Again, I hate Michigan, but I have no problem with Hart winning the Heisman.
3. Tim Tebow-The Ultimate QB is on pace to throw for 26 TDs while running in another 18 TDs. I mean could you honestly imagine what life is like for Tebow down in Gainesville? He has thousands of hotties wanting to rock his world and yet his Christian background tells him to remain celibate till marriage. No wonder he goes ape shit on opponents on Saturdays. Me on the other hand, I would have semen dripping out of my ears and nose while looking for my next victim like Austin Scott (the room just got very quiet, awesome!).
4. Sam Bradford-
Leads the nation in passing rating and is on pace to throw for 34 TDs and only 7 interceptions with a good chance Oklahoma will make the BCS Championship game. There I said it. Oklahoma will be playing in the BCS Championship because of the play of redshirt freshman Bradford.
5. Matt Ryan-
Look, look, he tore up Notre Dame he has to be the frontrunner, let's compare him to Doug Flutie, look, see, see. Okay, he's good. I will admit that Ryan is one of the top 10 QBs in the college game. But his stats are not impressive enough for me to even consider him a frontrunner for the trophy. He is 40th in the nation in passing rating and you (the national media) want to put him as the frontrunner. Put down the needle, back away from the ledge, and let's get real for a change. Ryan and Boston College will fold faster than origami.
Just missed the cut: Darren McFadden, Chase Daniel, Dennis Dixon, Brian Brohm, Graham Harrell
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 11:32 AM
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Three Guys Go to Heaven
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"I just saw my wife."
"She was riding a skateboard."
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:35 PM
HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THE FACE RAPE?
Seriously, Texas just face raped a dude and no flag. How can you not see it?
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:20 PM
I LOVE YOU WILL MUSCHAMP
I thought my mouth was dirty, but damn, Auburn defensive coach Will Muschamp is one high intensity motherfucker. Seriously, I would go through a motherfucking building for that guy. I guess his language works, Auburn held Darren McFadden and Felix Jones to under 100 total yards rushing combined.
This is just another reason why the SEC beats the shit out of a lot of conferences including those pussy liberal motherfuckers over in the PAC-10.
HT to DeepSouthSports for the clip.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:10 PM
ATLANTA REWARDED WNBA FRANCHISE, NATION LAUGHS
Seriously, what is the point of the WNBA? And why are they now bringing the freak show to Atlanta, a city that really could care less about basketball?
Well now that Atlanta has been awarded(I thought awards were prizes) a WNBA franchise I thought we could come up with some good team names.
Since Atlanta still has a deer population to go along with the smog, how about the Atlanta Nappy Headed Does? It rolls off the tongue. Or maybe the Atlanta Swallows. Okay, that is not right, the Atlanta Spits is more appropriate for a women's franchise.
Well, I've got it started, now you can help out with a kickass team name. Post your comments below and if we come up with a good one we might make a Sportscrack shirt out of it.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 12:33 PM
FORGET JIMMY CLAUSEN, THIS GUY IS THE NEXT BRADY QUINN
Just watch this interview on Rivals.com and tell me you can't see the similarities between Dayne Crist and Brady Quinn. I'm not ready to throw Clausen under the bus because he is only a freshman, but I think Crist is going to have a way brighter future than him because of his size(6'5), his arm(throws the ball with a lot more velocity), and his leadership abilities(Crist even interviews as well as Brady).
In fact, I will make the bold statement right now: Crist has a better chance of leading Notre Dame to a National Championship in 2009 than Clausen.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:15 PM
The buffoon on the left needs to go.
FIRE DON WADDELL!
As some of you know I am a huge Atlanta Thrashers fan, seriously, I am. They are a NHL hockey team in Atlanta for the uninformed. Anyways, today they fired their head coach Bob Hartley after an abysmal start at 0-6 while being outscored 27-9.
Unfortunately they fired the wrong person.
This season's roster stinks because of the GM Don Waddell. This is the same guy who gave Bobby Holik and Slava Kovloz ridiculous contracts to either come or stay in Atlanta. He traded away first round draft picks for a two month rental of Keith Tkachuk who promptly left Atlanta to go back to St. Louis in the off season. In case you were wondering one of those first round picks is probably going to be the #1 pick in the draft. Fucking brilliant Waddell.
So instead of firing Waddell we fire a head coach who has not only won a Stanley Cup with the Avalanche but also managed a winning record of 136-123-32 for a little over three seasons here in Atlanta and led them to their first playoff berth. Hartley isn't the problem.
Waddell stinks of cheap vodka and brown stained underwear. He went out this off season and picked up two undersized and soft veterans in Todd White and Eric Perrin to center his first two lines! They both are more floppy than Hugh Hefner trying to get hard between cocktails of coke and Viagra. He has one of the most exciting players and scorers in the game in Ilya Kovalchuk but instead of resigning Marc Savard two seasons ago to keep him as Kovy's center man they let him go and have replaced him with absolute garbage.
Simply putting it Waddell has to be fired. The Thrashers are horrible because of the moves of one man alone. His original plan was to have the Thrashers competing for the playoffs and the Stanley Cup on a consistent basis by year 5. Instead it took 7 years to make the playoffs in which they mortgaged the future just to get there and had no contingency plan if the veterans left because of the GM.
FIRE DON WADDELL NOW!
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 11:41 AM
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
JUDD APATOW JOINS FUNNYORDIE.COM, SPORTSCRACK NEXT?
If he wants to do porn I'm all for it here at Sportscrack. At least that way I would make some money to afford that fancy 1100 calorie salad they sell at Hardees. Nothing makes me more happy than clogging my arteries while eating a fucking salad.
Sorry about the light posting today, I'm still recovering from the Monday Night Football game. Apparently they don't enjoy drunk people in the Georgia Dome because they stop selling beer at the beginning of the third quarter. I know, it's fucking ridiculous is what I thought too. So next time you hear some smart ass announcer say the Falcons fans aren't showing up because they don't care blah blah etc, it's not the real reason. America wants beer and if the Falcons can't provide good drinking fun while watching shitty football then I have no problem with the fans leaving early. Hell, I did it last night.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 1:45 PM
Monday, October 15, 2007
SOUTH FUCKING FLORIDA
Here is a little video sent my way by MacG with some South Florida tailgating action from this past Saturday. I knew South Florida had some hotties, but damn even fat dudes look like their getting ass down there. So even I could have a chance...
The chances of anybody finishing undefeated this year is slim so I say we take the top 16 teams at the end of the season and make them submit their hottest girls to a lingerie bowl playoff system. The school with the least amount of chub and the most amount of flat out hotness to go along with nudity wins.
In the end we all win.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:27 PM
BAND OF HORSES NEW VIDEO
I got a chance to go see Band of Horses last night at Park Tavern in Atlanta and I must say they are as good if not better live than listening to their CD. They just released their new album "Cease To Begin" last week which I would highly recommend buying. The whole album seems to calm me down when I'm scrambling to figure out other stuff in life including what to make of college football and this nasty rash I've developed. If you haven't had the chance to check out their music you can listen to their new album on their MySpace page and also by visiting their website.
The best part of last night was the concert was free, the beer was cold, and Band of Horses rocked out on a cool fall night in Atlanta. You can catch them on the Late Show with David Letterman this Thursday night. Here is their new video "Is There a Ghost" which premiered today on MTVU...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 12:58 PM
SPORTSCRACK TOP 10
My head feels like it's going to explode every time I try to put a top 10 together after all these upsets. Can we have just one normal week? Fuck that, this is what makes college football so damn exciting.
1. South Florida-Undefeated and beat two top 20 teams in Auburn and West Virginia. Grothe is fun to watch but with that being said they will probably lose to Rutgers this Thursday.
2. Ohio State-They really haven't played anybody but they are undefeated and have a great defense.
3. Oklahoma-I still can't believe they lost to Colorado, but they have come back to beat both Texas and Missouri.
4. South Carolina-Don't be surprised if Vandy beats them this week.
5. Kentucky-Well, I think we can start the Woodson for H3isman campaign now in Lexington. The game this week against Florida could be more entertaining than an episode of Californication.
6. LSU-The SEC is just too tough to come out undefeated these days especially this year. I rank them behind Kentucky and South Carolina because they lost to Kentucky who lost to South Carolina.
7. Boston College-Untested and really unproven but undefeated no less. Matt Ryan is a good QB but is not Heisman worthy in my opinion.
8. Arizona State-Dennis Erickson has Rudy Carpenter back on track and undefeated.
9. Cal-Almost won despite not having their starting quarterback and a banged up Desean Jackson. I reacted just like Jeff Tedford on the last play of the game.
10. Oregon-I would have them higher but I can't rank them ahead of Cal since they did lose to them. Right pollsters?
Just missed the cut: West Virginia, Florida, Kansas, Missouri, Michigan
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 8:44 AM
Saturday, October 13, 2007
IS SOUTH FLORIDA THE #1 TEAM?
They have Auburn and West Virginia as their quality wins and are still undefeated. Will somebody please make an argument why this team should not be #1 after this week. Fucking South Florida, the Bulls, who started playing D1 football 11 years ago, is the best team in the country.
Just shoot me now...or better yet, get me a drink.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 9:23 PM
Friday, October 12, 2007
WAIT A SECOND, MLB PLAYERS DO PERFORMING ENHANCING DRUGS?
Call me cynical, but I never would have thought there would be more names surfacing in this whole steroids/hgh/cattle roids drama in Major League Baseball. Oh wait, that is why I have been so uninterested in baseball lately.
The latest from Buster Olney is about the George Mitchell probe which is about to reveal a lot more players who were using illegal performance enhancing drugs. So besides the obvious guys at the top of my head like Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Jose Canseco, Miguel Tejada, Albert Pujols, Rick Ankiel, Kyle Farnsworth, Roger Clemens, Chipper Jones, Luis Gonzalez, Brady Anderson, Albert Belle, Brett Boone, Troy Glaus, Jay Gibbons, Brian Roberts,Juan Gonzalez, Ruben Sierra, Julio Franco, Ivan Rodriguez, Eric Gagne, Troy Percival, Andruw Jones, Jim Thome, Todd Helton, Adam Dunn, Jose Valentin, Jeff Bagwell, Craig Biggio, Andres Galarraga, Larry Walker, Matt Williams, Jeff Kent, Jim Edmonds, Greg Vaughn, Nomar Garciaparra, Cliff Floyd, Tony Batista, Gary Matthew Jr., Eric Chavez, Derrek Lee, Carlos Beltran, Alfonso Soriano, Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Jose Hernandez, Jose Guillen, Moises Alou, Shawn Green, Mo Vaughn, Jeromy Burnitz, Edgar Martinez, Vinny Castilla, Steve Finley, Richie Sexson, Adrian Beltre, Tim Salmon, Todd Helton, Rondell White, Mike Sweeney, Ryan Klesko, Brian Giles, Marcus Giles, Ken Caminiti, Preston Wilson, Paul Konerko, Jermaine Dye, Raul Mondesi, Dante Bichette, Javy Lopez, Mike Lowell, Ray Durham, Carlos Pena, David Segui, Jose Cruz Jr., Damion Easley, Rich Aurilia, Magglio Ordonez, Carlos Lee, and JD Drew that there are actually others involved?
It's just a matter of time before the shit hits the fan and knowing how incompetent Bud Selig is as a commissioner all together I wouldn't be shocked if it happened right around the start of the World Series.
I love baseball and my hope is the Mitchell investigation will help clean up the sport for good.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 1:17 PM
Ignore Dawson on the left, you see who that is on the right shotgunning a frosty Miller Lite? It's none other than Justin fucking Timberlake guzzling one at Lambeau Field. Not only has JT gotten the chance to lay the pipe in Jessica Biel, Janet Jackson, Britney Spears (before her breakdown), and Cameron Diaz, but he also gets a chance to be put in a cage in Green Bay and slug beers while others watch.
You don't get it, everything he has done I dream about. Everything besides fucking Dawson of course.
You can see more pictures over at Deadspin.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 11:29 AM
COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICK EM DEADLINE
Just a reminder to get your weekly picks in before the 5 pm eastern time deadline for the Sportscrack College Football Pick Em Contest. You have less than 3 hours and plenty of brain cells to kill this weekend while slumped on your couch cursing at Verne Lundquist because he keeps winking at you and telling you sweet nothings.
Okay, well maybe that is just me, but you get the point.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 11:19 AM
THE WEEKLY LOU HOLTZ PEP TALK
I can hardly understand a quarter of the words he spits out these days but I think Holtz is one hell of a motivator. If only I had a coach of his high energy then maybe I would have done something other with my life than stare at people in malls while thinking about what I was going to do next after finishing this delicious Orange Julius.
Imagine if The Lisp was a sex counselor. "Men you need to get yourself hard in order to penetrate and satisfy that lovely thing you call your wife. Now go out there and get it done."
Or maybe Holtz could have been a general in the Army. Now that I think of it I do believe Holtzie was a general. You want proof, well then you go over there and...
P.S-The clip is from Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy, one of the all-time great comedies that nobody saw because Americans hate Canadians not named Pamela Anderson, Jim Carrey, or Celine Dion. Allthough I do think a lot of Americans hate Celine Dion but maybe not as much as I do.
Posted by Matt Fairchild (email@example.com) at 10:51 AM
Thursday, October 11, 2007
REGGIE BUSH SCANDAL
With the latest news on the sports marketer apparently giving up evidence he gave Bush and his family $280,000 worth of benefits while at USC on the horizon, it's only a matter of time before USC and Pete Carroll go down hard. It has been a tough couple of weeks for the USC family. First they lose to Stanford, a team that has a fucking tree as a mascot and is named for a color. Then Matt Leinart bitches about his playing time in Arizona only to break his collarbone the same week and end his season. Now the Bush scandal comes back up like an old painful Leinart festering cold sore.
The only way USC will be punished is if the NCAA can prove they knew what was going on at the time. Good luck with that.
When reached for comment, Pete Carroll declined in order to finish up his new commercial, Mister Potato...
Posted by Matt Fairchild (firstname.lastname@example.org) at 7:15 AM